If only they KNEW!!!

OK, so there is this musician who is rather well known in Utah. I am friends with him on facebook, but have never actually met him.
He has an amazing voice and all I think about when I hear him sing is HOW WELL WE'D SOUND TOGETHER...
So I've messaged him a couple of times. I Sent him my website info, gave him my number, what have you, but he's not biting.
It's so frustrating because to him, I'm just some random girl who "says" she can sing, but for all he knows I'm like all those people on American Idol who know they can win, then you hear them sing and think, "WHO is telling them that they should audition?"
I know if he were to give it a shot he would be pleasantly surprised and I really think we could make some SWEET music together, but I don't want to harass him and be more creepy than I've already been.
Oh the frustration!

No Right Answer

So this one time I started dating two different guys at the same time. One I felt safe with and I felt had more potential for longevity. The other I had a lot of fun with and could talk with really easily but didn't necessarily see it as a "serious" possibility. I had a hard time choosing between the two, but ended up choosing the guy I felt safe with.
That relationship ended about a month later. I just never felt excitement with him and I wondered if I made the wrong choice.
I was still friends with the "fun" one and had seen a different side of him that made me wish I wouldn't have given up on him. We talked about it later I let him know how I felt, but at that point he was dating someone else. He told me it was strictly timing. It was hard wondering what could have been.
I recently found myself in the same situation. I was dating Mr. Safe and Mr. Fun.
Remembering how I felt the first time I decided to try with Mr. Fun. That lasted all of two weeks and I think about Mr. Safe all the time. Wondering if I blew that.
WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO? How do you know where to go? Have I been making wrong choices? How do I not wonder what could have been or if I did the right thing?
All four of these guys are great guys, really top shelf, I could be happy with any of them so it's not like I'm choosing someone bad for me, but why does it happen that way? How am I supposed to know which direction to go?
Gosh dating! So over it!

Dang Wrenches!

One thing I have been struggling with lately is trust.
I got to a point in my life where I had a plan set in motion and all was well, we all know those moments are fleeting before something (someone) comes along and throws a wrench in your plans.
As soon as I decide to like someone I lose faith in that person. I don't trust them, I expect them to hurt me, and I am afraid that I am self-sabatoging in that regard.
I won't allow myself to be vulnerable because I tell myself they will take that vulnerability and make me regret giving it to them.
I hate this because I feel like it will prevent me from giving the guys a chance to not hurt me.
I just feel like I've been hurt so many times that I can't imagine any different so I don't want to give people that chance.
I'm trying to give people a chance anyway, but it's so scary. I'm afraid I'll beat myself up if the same thing happens again with the, "I should have known" attitude.
I had gotten to a point where I was dating but I wasn't letting anyone in, I wasn't attaching to anyone emotionally and I was totally fine with that.
Then a wrench got thrown in the mix and as much as I didn't want to like him, as much as I put it off, as much as I avoided it, it happened, and now I'm scared.

Best Mom In The Wide World

This week my group, had a show in Midvale. It was for a relief society thing for a branch. I had called my mom that morning and asked her if she would want to come and be my date, she jumped on the opportunity.
That alone made my whole day. Sometimes I feel like people get sick of feeling like they have to come to my shows. Like I do them all the time and sometimes they just don't want to have to go, like it's a burden. So when I called her a part of me was prepared for the, "Well... I have this going on, I'll see if I can make it." But this is my mom we are talking about. The woman who will ask me to sing for anyone and everyone be it at a family dinner, at a restaurant, on the street... So I shouldn't have been surprised when she wanted to come.
I was so excited to have her there. She has met the guys in my group before, but only a couple of times. I was so proud to have her there and have them really get to meet and talk to her. My friend Kelly also was there and I was so excited for her to meet my mom for the first time. For these people to meet someone so very important to me that they have heard me talk about for so long.
As we sang I would look down at her in the audience, and she just smiled the whole time. I could see how proud she was. For me it wouldn't have mattered if anyone else was in the crowd that night. I was singing for her.
I have been singing my whole life. I have been in a ton of different groups and have performed hundreds of times, and my mom has been there every chance she could be. Every singing recitle (some [most] of which were really painful to sit through). Every talent show. The thing that sticks out the most was when I was in a rock band. A ROCK band. Our music was not soft, was not pretty. It was awesome but it was hard and loud and certainly not her cup of tea, but I just have this image in my mind... We were doing a basement party and she came and was in the front row. I'll never forget looking over at her, she just had this giant smile on her face, but she was plugging her ears. THAT my friends is support. I remember her telling me after that the bass was so strong and loud that it actually made her physically ill haha, but she loved it.
It means so much to me to know that not only is she so proud of me, but that she will support me, not because she has to because she's my mom, but because she genuinely wants to be there and listen to me sing. She is, without doubt, my biggest fan, and I am her's.
Love you Momma.

The Uneasiness of Ease

Ok, so lately things have just been really really great.
I feel an influx of motivation towards my physical goals. I have gone off sugar again (which I did this summer for two months)the first two days were rough, but the past 5 have been just fine and I feel awesome. I've started a new workout class. I'm the kind of girl who has to try everything. I hear of a new workout and my ears perk up and before I know it I'm signing up for it. I feel like I've done just about everything, yoga, pilates, bikram yoga, bootcamp, crossfit, dash fitness, power pump, kick boxing. I've done spinning classes, water aerobics. I've tried (not completed) insanity and p90X.
I do all of these things because I like trying new things. I want to know what works the best for me and what I'll stick to. So far my faves have been, bootcamp, crossfit, dash fitness and this class I'm doing now at The Dailey Method.
I have a cruise in 75 days, I like having a goal to aim for.
I digress. I have also jump started my music again. My group, Mountain Blue, hasn't performed, or even practiced, in months, we got together Sunday and practiced and tonight we have a performance. Having gigs lined up just makes me feel whole again. I have now been in Mountain Blue for 4 years, and it has become a part of me. I really can't imagine not being a part of it, and the idea of ever having to leave it scares me. I recorded on Saturday with one of the guys in the group, just to test out some microphones, but just being in the studio again recharged my batteries. Friends of Spencer, continues to book weddings, which being a project I started (didn't join) feels so validating to be noticed and wanted. I'm so grateful for that partnership with Jaycie and for what I have accomplished with her.
I have a great job. I am able to support myself comfortably. I am out of debt and able to add to my savings. I feel respected and acknowledged at work. I feel like I do a good job and it is noticed.
Even with the elections this week, no it did not go the way I hoped, but I feel this odd sense of patriotism for even being a part of it. I am proud of our country, I'm proud to be a part of it. The world is a wicked WICKED place and though I firmly believe it will get worse before it gets better, I have faith in God's plan, and the scriptures say the world will get worse before it gets better, so the fact that it's getting worse just affirms my faith that one day it WILL get better.
Most importantly I have felt the spirit a lot in my life lately. My oldest niece Leah is getting baptized this Saturday, I feel like I have been waiting for this day for so long. I remember my baptism and to have the first grandchild having this experience, I am just so excited for her. I am excited to see my brother Dane baptize his daughter. Emotions will run high that day.
A girl in my ward was baptized last week and they confirmed her a member on Sunday. I was sitting on the stand as they did this and I couldn't help but smile. What a brave thing to do. I am incredibly grateful to have been born a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but there was a part of me that sat there thinking, "What did it feel like for her to hear it for the first time? To feel the spirit the first time?" How incredible. I wanted to talk to her after and pick her brain and welcome her, but I didn't want to freak her out, so I didn't (plus I'm an introvert... so... I found reasons why I shouldn't approach her).

All that being said, my comfort right now is somewhat unsettling. In my experience there is always something around the corner.
Luckily, also in my experience, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13


My beautiful niece, Leah Danielle Sanders, in Maui this year.

Cinderella?

So this one time I was invited to a military ball by a guy I met online three weeks prior who lived in North Carolina, and if that wasn't unbelievable enough, I went.
The only thing I had to lean on was the 3 weeks of conversation via text, sometimes via facebook and very seldomly via skype. What I knew about him was that he served his mission with a friend of mine, who he hasn't had any contact with since the mission, he was a paratrooper in the army, an officer in the army, very handsome and Southern.
When I was first invited we kind of just laughed at the thought, the second time he mentioned it, we looked into it more seriously. He offered to pay for half my flight and I was able to get work off.
I knew how crazy it was. I knew the risks. I had seen enough Lifetime Original Movies to know that I was running risk of being kidnapped, taken hostage, accosted, murdered and so on and so on. Yet for some reason that didn't sway me... very much. He kept my nerves at ease.
I had made the decision to go and from that point on made sure to cover all my bases. I had a place to stay, I had given numbers out to friends, co-workers, family members. I had code words, I had flight options. I had informed him that I was the daughter of an FBI agent. I had ways to get out, and I also had ways to get him caught in case anything went south.
There was so much that I didn't know about him, yet I felt oddly comfortable. There was a part of me that was terrified, but another part of me that couldn't help but imagine how awesome it would be. Go to a military ball with a handsome army man, spend time in North Carolina? That could be an experience of a lifetime and a story to have for the rest of my life.
The thing to solidify my comfort in going was the fact that my dad called him the day I was supposed to leave. Sure at first I felt like I was 16 and this was the phone call equivalent of my father cleaning his shot gun, but I wanted my dad to feel at ease about me going, and I wanted this boy to know that I had a protective father.
After getting the go ahead from my dad I was on my way, and I was SO EXCITED!!! Almost too excited, there was no way the expectations I was building in my mind could possibly be met.
My flight was leaving late Tuesday night and getting into Fayetteville, best case scenario 11:30 Wednesday morning, but more likely not until about 7:30 that evening. I had my laptop and plenty of movies to get me through the layover.
I made both my flights and let the Mr. know I was in town. I told him to not rush over, that I could hang out for a while, but he called me to tell me he was on his way to come get me.
Oh I was nervous. I was about to finally meet this man I had been talking to every day for less than 3 weeks. What if he wasn't as cute as I thought? What if he was disappointed in me? What if we didn't click? In 20 minutes I would answer all of those questions.
I saw his car pull up, he got out and we both just smiled. I did NOT feel like this was the first time we were meeting. We hugged and he drove us to his house. I was exhausted so we just popped in a movie and I took a nap.
He had all these plans to take me to all these different restaurants, try all his favorite places. Immediately I knew I had nothing to worry about. I was getting texts from all my friends, checking in. I text them all (code words included) to let them know they had nothing to worry about.
We got sushi, we got milkshakes, we had Waffle House, we had more milkshakes, he took me on base and showed me all around. He took me to get some Ft. Bragg shirts and sweatshirts. He gave me an army shirt to take home. He took me all around.
North Carolina was beautiful, but the point of going... he took me to the military ball.
Thursday was the Ball. I had my dress all planned, my hair, my makeup and my jewelry. He had to work the day of so I slept in, I worked out (which included hitting myself in the chin with a kettlebell [apparently I don't know my own strength] hard enough that even now, nearly 2 days later, my chin still hurts but luckily no bruise) then I started getting ready. When it came time to leave I felt like a million bucks and he looked it! We looked in the mirror and he said, "We look good!".
We went to the ball and found our table. For some reason seeing my place setting "Lt. ... guest" made me so happy. I was his guest. I was HIS guest. That was me.
I loved the Ball. All the traditions and the customs. I loved hearing him "HUA" when they acknowledged his unit. I loved people calling him Sir. I loved the toasts. One person would say a toast and everyone would say something acknowledging it. I had two favorites, "To the fallen", followed by a moment of silence and then all the men sat the ladies and then someone said, "To the lovely ladies" and all the men yelled, "TO THE LADIES!!!" and cheered.
I was introduced to a few of his friends. One of which sat next to me and chatted a bit asking my opinion of being there, he said it seemed like it would be such a drull being someone who isn't really a part of it. I told him I loved it, I was fascinated being there, all the customs and everything, it's not something I see every day and I loved it, not to mention it was GREAT people watching. To which he said, "It's even better knowing all the men in uniform. It says a lot about the man to see the woman he brings. How she dresses, how she looks." I said, "Interesting, so let me ask you, what am I saying about him?" he replied, "I don't know you well enough to answer that fully, but you're saying good things."
The whole night was just so great. I would like to take a minute and mention, HE LOOKED AMAZING! Ladies... a man in uniform, RIGHT? Not only that, but dress blues? I mean... ladies... take a minute!
After the ball we went to this little fast food place to get THE BEST SHAKE EVER. I had to go to the facilities so we had to go inside. There was this family sitting outside and this little girl saw my army man and goes, "(gasp)HI! Nice suit... Mom look at him, did you see him?" I just smiled walking behind him, so proud to be the girl with him.
When the night was over I was looking at some pictures we took, and it started to hit me. It was almost over. It was then that I realized this experience had met all of my expectations, and it was almost over.
The next day we went and got breakfast this was the day he took me to the base and around North Carolina a bit. He made sure I did all I wanted to do, got all I wanted to get. He then brought me to the airport and we said our goodbyes.
This experience couldn't have been better. You know that feeling where you wake up from an amazing dream and you're so bummed to have it ending. That's kind of how I feel. The good thing is, it wasn't a dream. This is a story I'll have forever.
At one point during the trip he asked me what the craziest thing I had ever done was. Without delay I said, "This!" The time I flew across the country to go to a ball with a guy I met online three weeks prior. Yeah this was definitely the craziest thing I had ever done. Chalk one up to taking risks friends!

What happens when I cook...

So I don't cook. I sometimes think I probably could, but then I usually just don't risk it. Why? You may wonder... because I have stories like the following in my repertoire:
When I was a teenager I was at home and my mom was cooking in the kitchen. She had to go somewhere but had onions she just started to fry on the stove. She says to her daughter, who hates onions and had never cooked them ever, to watch them for her while she was gone. I said, "Mom, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to cook onions!" and in a frustrated state she said, "Just WATCH them!" and she left.
I watched. I watched them for a while. I watched them burn to a crisp.
Needless to say, she was NONE TO PLEASED when she got home to her black onions. My only defense, "I told you I didn't know how to cook onions, watching them doesn't change that."
I'm wondering if I have blogged this story before... it seems familiar to me. BUT let's be honest, not a lot of people read this blog, and most probably haven't read that post anyway. So THERE you have it folks.!