Being an introvert...

It's funny, people that know me really well argue with me on the fact that I am an introvert. Guys, it's true.
One thing about being an introvert that is super inconvenient is the fact that I am also a singer and I LOVE to perform. That is one of the things people question when I tell them that I get social anxiety, "What? But you sing in front of thousands of people?" Singing in front of people is entirely different than standing amongst them. One thing that I have learned is that I am NOT comfortable being surrounded by people. I don't like having people behind me in a scenario that I can't easily move, like lines, or concerts or parties and the like. If you see me at a party, once it starts to get pretty crowded, I either leave or you can find me against a wall, or a pillar, or a table or something, I stand somewhere so people can't stand behind me.
So, last night I was asked to sing at a fireside with a guy I met here in AZ. I haven't had any opportunities to sing down here so I jumped on the opportunity. Once we got there and our song was over, I spent the majority of the fireside planning my exit strategy. We were sitting near the front row and I was planning the quickest way to get out so as to not be surrounded by people. I sat there thinking how inconvenient it is that I am an introvert that loves to perform. I love singing in front of people, but hate crowds. As long as I am in front of them I am good, but as soon as it's over and I need to talk to people, I get crazy anxiety.
That sounds so ridiculous, the only people that want to talk to me after are people that want to tell me I did well, and thank me, and you'd think one would be excited for that. I am grateful for those people, it does make me feel good to know they enjoyed it, but I just have a hard time talking to strangers (STRANGER DANGER)
So yes, last night, after I sang, I sat there planning my way out, and it was then that I thought, "Man being an introvert sucks!"

People

Knowing that you're doing something hard for a reason, but not knowing what that reason is or when it will come into play means just doing something hard, with no end in sight. It can be difficult to keep your head up in these times.
It's been a month to the day that I have been in Arizona, and though I wouldn't say I'm "happy" here, nor do I know when I will be, there have been some good things that have come into action.
I found a connection with the AZ Diamondbacks , so even though I missed the National Anthem auditions by one day, it looks like I'll get to sing this season. Along the same lines, people are starting to see that I sing, so I am starting to get requests. Nothing big, a duet at a fireside, a solo in my ward, but singing. I've realized in being here, and not having that outlet, how important it is to me to perform. Just knowing that things are starting to happen really lifts my spirits.
The fact that I have no social life has given me a lot of time to work out. In the short time that I've been here I know almost all the trainers at my gym, just because they see me, same time, every day.
I find myself playing the guitar a lot more, simply because I don't have anyone else to play for me, so if I want to sing I better be able to play for myself. It's been such a therapeutic thing for me to just go home, sit on the floor by my bed and just play around on the guitar.
I have been given a teaching calling in my ward. Not just any teaching calling, teaching Marriage and Family relations to a bunch of singles. I don't now, nor do I think I will ever love teaching, but I love reading the lessons, and I can't tell you how many times I have been talking to someone and the phrase, "In my lesson it talked about...". Having time to sit down and read these things and think about them and really ponder the teachings in there I've really enjoyed.
In nearly every aspect of my life, things are coming together, however one thing is missing that is the reason why I can't say I'm "happy" here.
I miss having people. I miss having kindred spirits. I miss having people that know my story and my experiences. I miss having people be able to say, "remember the time..." I don't have any of those people here.
I thought it would be so nice to start over, to start fresh. I'm learning a big part of the reason I love my life so much is because of the people that are in it.
I miss my people.

Liebster Award

Celsey Bodily nominated me for a Liebster Award... Always nice to learn that people read the ole blog.
I should probably blog more often so as to keep my readers interested.
Here is how the Liebster Award works:
The real "gist" of the Liebster Award is that there is no real award. There are no judges, no special rules. No website with an official team to congratulate you and hold your hand. It's mostly what you want it to be. If you receive the award, you can 1) accept it and 2) pass it along. It's that easy."
I think it is just a great way to let people know that you love reading their blog and encourage them to keep up with their blog! So here are the rules:
Answer the 11 questions that you were asked.
Give 11 facts about yourself
Nominate 3-5 other bloggers with less than 200 followers
Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

My Questions from Cels:

1. What is your biggest Pet Peeve: I would have to say needing to wait on people. This is a tough one because nearly everyone I know consistently runs late. To make matters worse I am ALWAYS on time, if not early. So this means that I am always waiting on people. My thoughts on being late are this, it means that you view your time as more important than anyone else's. I think it's incredibly inconsiderate.
2. What song can ALWAYS put you in a good mood or make you smile? I would have to say Wouldn't It Be Nice by the beach boys. When I lived in Hawaii, Bree and I wrote down the lyrics to this song and sang it over and over until we had it memorized, and would sing it ALL THE TIME. Now whenever I hear that song, I think about that.
3. What is your favorite family tradition? Honestly, I just love my family. I love after dinner when we all just gather in the living room and just talk and tell stories and make each other laugh. I have been blessed with an amazing family that just loves the crap outta each other. I love sitting back and telling and retelling stories.
4. What was something that you absolutely had to have but then realized was dumb or a waste of money? I would have to say my first demo. I made a demo of all country songs. It cost me nearly $4000 and I never listen to those songs. I have them on my website, because I have them, but I don't love those songs. I don't feel like they are my style and I don't even like listening to them, or having anyone else listen to them. That being said, it gave me a good connection for a producer that went on to record every other song I have on that website, so pros and cons.
5. Have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? Which one? I have been given a few. Most common is Kate Bosworth, which I don't really get. I also get Jessica Simpson and I've gotten Kathryn Heigl but I'm pretty sure it's just because they are blonde with big boobs.
6. If you could meet 1 idol or hero (dead or alive) who would it be and why? Honestly (to get all cheesified) My dad's mom passed away when I was 20, and it wasn't until then that I realized how much she and I had in common. It broke my heart to then recognize that she had seen it all along and tried to share it with me, but I was just a dumb kid. I would love to sit with her and talk about art and music and her life.
7. What is your favorite go to recipe? Well I don't really cook, but the recipes I have are my two favorite things that my mom and dad make. My mom's chicken and rice, and my dad's enchiladas. Delish, and I am great at cooking them. I also make my mom's cucumber appetizers which always go over really well.
8. Who do you have in your final 4 for March Madness? Don't be silly, you should all be proud that I even know that is basketball.
9. Name 1 thing that you are high maintenance about. I would have to say eating. I am a picky eater and I don't like going out to eat. I know that may not sound high maintenence, but try being single and asked on dates and not liking going out to eat. I usually don't tell the guy that until we are more established because in the beginning I think it's a bit of a turn off to them, simply because they don't want to put in the effort to come up with a whole date. Going out to dinner is so easy and a good time killer. Plus I don't really eat bread, pasta, rice, red meat (or really any meat for that matter) so meals for me can be a challenge.
10. What is your favorite smell? I do love the smell of a good cologne, but it can't be too strong or I don't like it at all. I will say this though, now that I live in Arizona, every night I can smell the orange blossoms and I just LOVE IT! It reminds me of Lilac season at my parents house. I love the smell of blossoms.
11. What is your absolute favorite thing to do? This should come as no surprise to anyone, but my favorite thing to do is perform. Not just to sing, but to sing to an audience. There is no greater feeling for me than nailing a performance. Surprising people who may have had low expectations. Seeing someone crying in the audience because what I am singing moved them to tears. I just really really like to perform.

Now my 11 random facts:

1. I don't cry very often, especially don't cry in movies, HOWEVER I will cry every time there is a bonding moment between a parent and a child. Every time, and HARD.
2. I love scary movies, but I'm a total pansy. I am a screamer and a jumper and I totally embarrass myself in the movies. Not to mention I have my eyes covered in EVERY scary scene. I know, I don't get why I like them either.
3. I want to like fish. It's so good for you I want to like it and order it at restaurants. I keep trying it and I just am disappointed every time because I still don't like it. That goes for olives as well.
4. I have a thing for red heads. I'm pretty sure I was brainwashed by my mother, who desperately wants red headed grandbabies, but they just always seem to turn my head.
5. I have a sense of humor type. It annoys a lot of my family because it is the thing I am most picky about. Before I moved to AZ my sister's last advice to me was, "They don't have to be funny". The thing is, the kind of sense of humor I love is the kind that is so clever and witty. The dry sense of humor that catches you off guard. I don't HAVE to have that in my relationship, but I can promise you, regardless of the guy's looks, if he has it, he WILL turn my head.
6. Facebook drives me crazy. That may surprise you as I am on it a lot, but a big pet peeve of mine is people forcing their opinions down other people's throats. Facebook gives people that venue way too much for my liking.
7. Relating to #6 Facebook has ruined college football for me. I hate college football season because I hate hearing people battle about it in facebook all the time. The rest of the year everyone is friends and happy (for the most part) but college football season starts and if you are a U fan, anyone associated with BYU is the scum of the earth and deserves berating, and vice versa. I can't stand it. CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG!
8. I love a lot. Meaning I give love easily, which causes me to get hurt a lot. I am an innocent until proven guilty kinda girl and unfortunately people are "proven guilty" a lot and I end up hurt. I just want everyone to be what I see in them in the beginning, and more often than not, they don't live up to it. Maybe I expect too much outta people?
9. My favorite book is Dracula. That may seem strange, but it's SUCH a fascinating book. I think what I love most about it is the fact that it was written in the 19th century and EVERY myth we hear about vampires comes from that book. SO creative! It's a page turner. I recommend it.
10. I am NOT domestic. I don't cook, I'm not crafty, I don't like shopping (that's more of a girly thing than a domestic thing, I guess I just mean I'm not as girly as one would expect)
11. I am a hopeless, HOPELESS romantic. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

I am tagging. Jennie, Lexie Ward and Sayward.

Your Questions:
1. What is your favorite thing about being married?
2. What is your favorite thing about being a mom?
3. What is one thing you have to do every day?
4. What is your favorite thing to wear?
5. What is your favorite thing to do with your spouse? (keep it clean ladies!)
6. If you had a night to yourself how would you fill it?
7. What is your favorite thing to do?
8. If you could buy anything right now what would it be?
9. Would you rather craft or buy?
10. Do you have a favorite recipe?
11. Who is the bigger disciplinarian? Who do you think it will be as your kids get older?

This was fun! Thanks for the nomination Cels!

New Life

So, about a month and a half ago I decided to move to Arizona...
The whole decision process was a pretty easy one. It happened really fast and I never looked back on that decision. Once my mind was made up, I knew I was doing the right thing and was really excited to go. Things just kept happening to prove that Arizona was where I needed to be.
Last Monday I arrived in The Grand Canyon State with my poppa. We went shopping, built a desk, got my room organized saw the sights a bit, and the next day I took him to the airport and I was on my own.
This whole time, even now, it has been really surreal. It never really hit me that I was changing everything. I said goodbye to everyone and everything I know, to move to a state where nothing would be familiar and I would have to start from scratch.
The idea of that was very appealing. Totally clean slate, I could be whoever I wanted to be, completely independent. However, now that I'm living it, it's kind of a different story.
I told everyone before I moved that I knew the beginning would be hard. I knew that one day I would be grateful, I knew without doubt that I was doing the right thing, and I knew that "eventually" I would know why and be so happy I made this change, however, I knew in the beginning it would be really hard.
Well my friends, it's the beginning.
The first week here I just spent grocery shopping and buying decor and driving around getting acclimated. I signed up for a gym, I got my drivers license I visited a friend in a nearby city. Those things do NOT fill a week. I was bored, and I had no one to call. No one that I could just be like, "Hey let's go to a movie" I was really bored.
There were times when I would just sit in my room and think, "You know this was the right thing to do, you know you came here for a reason, you KNEW this would be hard, you just gotta bide your time."
I kept thinking back on when I first went away to college. It was the same thing, I didn't know anyone. I made friends relatively fast but it was like a good 4-5 months before I met the girls that I would become best friends with. The thought of having to wait 4-5 months for that here wasn't totally pleasant.
This past week I started work. This has made a huge difference.
I am working for my same company but doing a different job, so I have just been training all week. I can already tell I am going to like it here. The people are really cool, the office is really laid back and the jobs available here are ones I think I'd enjoy.
Every day I go to work, go to the gym and go home. Having a routine has already made a huge difference. I still don't really know anyone other than my roommates (which are great) but having something to fill the day is so much better than... not.
So the first two weeks have happened. It's still crazy to me that I made this huge change. I am anxious to see what this move has in store for me. I know it will be a while before I'm totally happy that I came here, but it's getting better each week. (Easy to say when you had one bad week and one alright one... hopefully they will continue to get better each week)_

Valentine's Day

Ok I'll admit, typically I hate this day. I secretly hope that someone will surprise me with a flower arrangement at work or something, even though I never am dating someone over this holiday. It never happens and I'm always a little sad, but not surprised.
This year is different. I'm moving!!!! I can't tell you what knowing I'm moving has done for my sanity.
Ever since I made the decision to move to Arizona, nothing here in Utah seems to hold much weight anymore. And by nothing I mean dating because really what else does a nearly 29 year old single girl think about? Dating? Doesn't matter I'm moving I don't need to worry about who is and who is not asking me out.
With that being the attitude I was barely thinking about the upcoming holiday and I was plenty happy with that. I felt no need to make plans or keep myself busy.
Last night I was running errands and at each store I went to I'd see men walking around holding flowers, or buying cards and candy. I went to my sister's house and saw her hubby writing in a card for her. I just thought it was the sweetest thing. It made me so happy to see the romance floating around. To know that those men (for some reason I only saw men doing these things) were being so thoughtful.
I wasn't jealous, I wasn't sad, I was just touched.
Yes there was a moment of jealousy today when a bouquet of gorgeous flowers was delivered to a girl I work with, but come on! I am a woman!
I know this attitude is because I'm moving and I'm trying to really take note of it, and will do my best to maintain that attitude after I move. Oh I don't want to go back to crazy Julia, normal, calm Julia is so much nicer (and seemingly more appealing).



This is a picture of my Grandfather and Granny Bingham on their honeymoon in Italy in the 40's. They are now back together in Heaven. I just love this picture and think it is the epitome of romance.

A Genuine Smile

In my ward I am the chorister (once a month).
This last Sunday happened to be my week. I sat up on the stand and watched the wardies file into the chapel.
I found myself looking for the people that were laughing or chatting and smiling. Something struck me. I was watching this one guy, he was talking to another guy in the row in front of him and I don't know what was said but he just smiled really big and laughed a little. It was a real, genuine, couldn't be controlled smile. I just thought, "wow that really lights him up when he smiles." Then I started looking for other people that were smiling. Maybe I never looked at it for that reason, but it was so fascinating to me to look around and see these people smiling and how much it lit them up. They became so much more attractive.
Smiling for pictures is fine, but staged. A real honest to goodness smile can do wonders...
That is all... just something I have thought about...

The Role of Women

Yesterday in Relief Society we had a lesson on the role of a woman. We made a list on the board of characteristics of a righteous woman. The list included some of the following,
Integrity, Faith, Service, Charitible, Strong, Loving, Nurturing, Hard Worker, Diligent, Trustworthy... and the list went on and on.
We then went on to talk about the women in our lives that exemplified the role of a woman.
One thing they said was that it seems that these women seem to shine when things in their own lives are really hard.
I could not help but think about my own mother, and I mentioned her in the lesson.
In the past two years alone my mom has been pulled from one heartbreak to the next. She lost her sister to ovarian cancer in the summer of 2011, her father to alzheimers last year, she has a sister suffering with breast cancer right now, she (and my father) is living with my paternal grandpa right now taking care of him.
Through all of this, she has been a beacon of strength and courage. She has been an example of service like I have never seen.
When her first sister was ill, she spent weeks in Houston taking care of her family. Cooking, cleaning, shopping. All the while being at her sister's aid, and just being a loving sister spending time with her. Keep in mind, my mom lived in Malaysia at the time, so coming to the states was no small venture.
When my dad's mom was taken ill, also with ovarian cancer, it was the same. My mom spent countless hours with her, taking care of whatever needed to be done.
With her sister suffering with breast cancer now, it's the same thing.
Whenever I have been ill, she has been my nurse and best friend. Whenever a baby is born in my family she takes a week off work to go take care of the mother and family, cooking and cleaning and babysitting.
She does all of this out of complete love.
I looked at the list of this righteous woman and just thought. That is my mom. That is MY mom. I don't know that I could ever be half the woman she is. In those hard times when you have EVERY RIGHT to sit in a corner and just cry and be justifiably numb, she picks herself up and takes care of EVERYONE in need. I honestly don't know if I would be the same.
I sat there thinking, almost all the years of my life she has done this with little to no recognition. I didn't recognize at the time how lucky I was to be her daughter, but I recognize it now.
I'll say it again, if I could be half the woman my mother is, I will consider myself good, though I don't think I could ever live up to be just like her, few women could.
Love you Momma!


My mom and dad's engagement picture.