Friday, May 20, 2011

'Nother most embarrassing moment.

Ok so clearly this blog is written proof that my life is full of one embarrassing moment after another. This entry will satisfy that as well as go back to my "roots" in telling a dating story.
Last night (yes that recent) I went on a date. Twas a good date I had a really good time. Dinner at Texas Roadhouse (my favorite place) then watched a movie. We really got along and hit it off pretty quickly. It was a really good night... considering!
There we were at dinner. I was eating a salad and Dude was patiently waiting for his meal. I had just taken a bite of salad and he asked me a question. I hurriedly swallow my food in preparation to speak. I go to open my mouth and my brain says to me, "Julia, take note, you are not ready to speak yet. Control what is happening in your mouth before you say anything." I think to myself, "Pssh!" and go on to answer the question. I open my mouth and drool goes ahead and dribbles down my face. Yes he was looking. HOW DO YOU RECOVER FROM THAT??? I just immediately go bright red and cover my face as I wipe the slobber from my chin. I started laughing so hard as I say to him, "I promise I don't regularly drool in normal adult conversation." He just laughed and went ahead and told the couple that we were doubling with.
Later on in the evening if I would think about it I would just start laughing and go bright red all over again. He said, "Wow, I've never had a girl literally drool over me before".
This is not a story that will easily die. This is not a story that will be forgotten by either party, whether or not we date for a long time this story will be told and retold, and I know for 100% certainty that if we were to wed, that story will probably be told at the wedding. Best part is, my life is full of stories like this.

Monday, May 16, 2011


Ok so this story is too crazy not to share, and it drives me crazy.
On Saturday I went to lunch with some girlfriends. We met at Subway (one I've never been to before) I wasn't eating I just wanted to get together with them so I was just meeting them there to chat.
I was sitting there hearing tales of the jungle from my best friend Lauren (who just did a two week backpacking trip in Indonesia and was telling me all about it, and I will tell you this now, I will NEVER EVER do that). We were sitting at a table waiting for our friend Jami to show up. While waiting this guy walks in who I immediately whip around to lip to Lauren, "WOW he is CUTE!!!" She, wide-eyed, just nodded in agreement (she's married, it wouldn't be appropriate to do much more, she was in full support of my staring at him).
So we sat there waiting for Jami, and he was ordering his sandwich while I just stared. Jami arrived and I couldn't take it anymore, so we all got up to order our food. As mentioned before, I wasn't eating anything so I just got in line with them. As we got in line Lauren says, "I'm not even going to talk to you" and started talking to Jami, leaving me in line to fend for myself, I didn't dare say anything so I just sat there in silence until I heard Lauren get to a point in her story about biffing it skiing where she said, "I got up just hoping someone would be laughing." I said, "Oh I totally would have laughed." Sterling (which the girls and I named him later) turns to me and says, "That's what friends are for right?" I said, (with a large smile and slight giddy tone) "Oh I'm totally that friend." As he went back to paying for his food. I turn to Lauren and whisper, "It is in this moment that I wish I were bold enough to say, 'I don't want to sound like a brazen hussy or anything, but do you have a girlfriend?'" (A line which Lauren used once before with much success) Her eyes got wide and serious and tight lipped she said to me, "DO! IT!" I giggled like a school girl and said, all squeaky like "I can't".
I thought for the next several seconds as he paid for his food and walked out the door, "Just talk to him, just invite him to sit with you guys, give him your number DO SOMETHING!!!" He walked out the door and I walked to our table which was right by the door. I tell Lauren I blew it and I turn around to look back at him and notice he was turned around looking at me. We both whipped around and Lauren yells "He TOTALLY just turned around to look at you!!!" I look back again, and AGAIN he was looking back at me, from that moment on I didn't stop looking at him, and was sending some serious telepathic messages to COME BACK!!! He walked to his car and again looked at me. I could see him standing at his car, and I swear I could HEAR him thinking, "Just go back, would I look stupid, what would I say?" He looks at me over his car and then sits down. He is in his car for a while before he turns it on, and then as he drives past we again look at each other. Then he was gone. The store was in a panic. I hear Lauren yell to the poor employee, "IS THAT GUY A REGULAR? WHO IS HE? WHAT'S HIS NAME???" the kid gave us little info, but some. He did know the guy a bit but not his name. I spent the rest of the lunch thinking of the movie Serendipity, and how mad I was that I didn't say anything. That I'd never see him again and he most likely is my eternal companion and I blew it. Granted he is the dude and should have COME BACK, but I wish I would have said something. The rest of the day, every red SUV I saw I would see if it was him.
Subway guy... randomly run into me again and lets wed immediately.

Friday, May 13, 2011

McDonald's uniform and a bicycle...

Yes, yet another story from my life as a McDonald's employee.
As mentioned before the commute to work was about a 30 minute walk. During my employ there my roommate got a bike and would let me take it to the office once in a while.
When I rode the bike I took a different route because Kam Highway doesn't offer much in the way of bike lanes. This new route included a jaunt passed this guy's house who I had a rather large crush on. We called him Red.
One day I was riding the bike home with the visor around my wrist and the handle bar, because I refused to wear it outside of the office. Ok I'm going to draw you a little mental picture, I have never told this story without actually drawing it out so I don't know how this is going to work, but humor me. Ok in Red's driveway the corner where the driveway meets the sidewalk, the grass was not level with this corner, it was about 4 or 5 inches down.
So I'm minding my own business riding the bike home and I approach Red's house. He has a big giant window in the front of the house and as I'm approaching I could see that he was in the living room right by the window watching TV. I ride the bike off the road to get onto the sidewalk in front of his house. Well I took the turn a little too short and my tire went right onto the grass in that little corner I "drew up" before, effectively wedging my tire in that corner, making me come to an abrupt stop gutting me a little bit with the handle bars. Then before I have the chance to step off the bike it just falls, with me on it. Ride, wedge, abrupt painful halt, slow fall to the ground trying frantically to get my feet and hands loose to save myself to no avail as my hand is now attached to the handlebar by the dang visor, chubby girl... McDonald's uniform, guy I have a crush on standing in the window watching. Pretty much summarizes my misery. I get up COMPLETELY humiliated and act as though I don't know he's looking through the window, pick up the bike, and walk it out of sight.
I get home and Bree is just waiting there to hear what happened in my cursed uniform today. She laughed, RILL hard. Red never mentioned it, which I appreciate an embarrassing fall like that, you don't want to be acknowledged, so thankfully he and I both acted as though it never happened.
I think it's important that you know I worked at McDonald's for a total of 3 weeks, all these stories, and the many more that I have all happened in 3 WEEKS!!! I'm telling you that aloha golden arches shirt was cursed.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

6th Grade Acrobatics

This story is one that brings much humor, and much embarrassment added with much empathy pain.
When I was in 6th grade my best friend was Melissa-Ann. Nearly every day at recess we would go and play on the monkey bars. At Granite Elementary our playground had these monkey bars that were like a big upside down U. They weren't as tall as the regular monkey bars, they were probably like 8 feet high.
One fateful day Melissa-Ann and I were playing on said monkey bars and I decided to hang from my knees like any normal child would do. As I was hanging Melissa-Ann decided that would be a good time to go ahead and tickle my knee. If you know me, you know that my knees are probably the most ticklish part of my body, and nearly any contact with them will cause me to flail. She tickled, I flailed and the next thing I know I am hanging from one leg.
Unable to regain any kind of control I start screaming, fearing for my life. I look down to see the rocky rubble beneath me which is sure to be a welcomed landing mat for my face. I look up at Melissa-Ann and scream for her to grab my hand and help me up. That was the moment she thought would be a good time to go ahead and tickle my other knee. To this day I don't understand what she was thinking. I can only assume her body had been taken over in that moment and was destined to destroy me. The rest actually happened in slow motion. I, of course, flail yet again which sends me off the monkey bars. I hit the ground with my chest and chin as my legs come up behind me and my feet hit the ground in front of my face. I SAW my feet hit the ground in front of me as my body was completely bent in a circle, in no sort of direction a body should ever bend. Once my feet hit the ground, like a spring my body flips back into a normal position and I am now laying on my stomach in the rocks. I get up to my knees with no ounce of air left in my body. I try and try to take a breath but am unable to for what seems like several minutes but was probably a few seconds. The next thing I knew I was waking up with classmates and a teacher standing above me. Now that I think about it, I don't remember seeing Melissa-Ann in that crowd.
I, with the assistance of a couple of friends, walk to the nurses office, where my neighbor was called to come and pick me up, and I spent the rest of the school day at her house. When my parents got home from work I went back home and got right in bed, as my back was in total distress. Pretty sure I didn't walk normally for a few days, and pretty sure after that mine and Melissa-Ann's friendship was never the same. In fact, I haven't seen her in about 15 years. Good riddance eh?

Monday, May 9, 2011

King Kamehameha

If anyone has ever lived on or been to Oahu before this name should ring some sort of bell. Kam highway (short for Kamehameha) is the main highway on the island and goes all the way around.
When I lived in Hawaii this was the highway I took on my 30 minute walk to McDonald's, my place of employ. Imagine if you will, a rather robust girl walking along the main highway, wearing her golden arches aloha shirt, holding a visor (I didn't wear it unless I was in the building... didn't want it to be too obvious where I worked [as if the golden arches on my sleeve weren't enough]) That image in and of itself is enough to make anyone tilt there head and tisk in sorrow.
One day while I was at work, Oahu decided to have one of the worst rain storms they had seen in years and years. Portions of the highway were completely flooded and destroyed. It was bad. Remember that picture in your head of the girl, now picture that, but walking in HORRIBLE rain. Yes, that was me. I was that sad image.
I was walking home from work, drenched from head to toe, soaked to the very bone. A bus driving by, seeing this image, pulled over. The driver turns to me and says, "Can I give you a ride home?" Honestly I was embarrassed to even be acknowledged so I said, "No, I'm fine." "Are you sure?" he replied giving me a look like I was crazy. I just looked at him and said, "Really, I'm only like 10 minutes away, I'm fine to walk, I don't want to get the bus all wet just for a short ride." He says again, "Are you sure? It's free." At this point I just wanted to be left alone in my misery, I didn't want any more attention so I said (with a little bit of attitude), "I'm FINE, really, I've already been walking for 20 minutes in this rain, I can walk the rest of the way, I'm not going to get any wetter." It was in that exact moment that I tripped and face planted into a puddle. Seriously. I stood up with little to no pride left in my person. I, begrudgingly, look over at the bus driver who then says, "You sure?" I just looked ahead, kept walking and said, "Just go."
Remember that image of the girl, now picture her walking in the rain with her entire front covered in mud. Yes, I was that image.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I have stories to tell

Ok so as my dating life is somewhat in shambles these days, perhaps it's time to turn this into a regular blog. (Don't stop reading) I have funny stories from my life, they may not all be about dating, but I can't thing of anything funny to talk about in dating anymore, so now it's time for all to hear the joke that is my life.
The idea for this is my friend Jessi is doing "Flashback Friday" on her blog and posting a memory each Friday, I choose to follow suit.
This first story is one that if you know me personally you have probably heard. It's probably the best story I have in my repertoire so why not start with the best and have the rest be downhill from here. I like that plan!
Ok so roughly 7 years ago I lived in Hawaii with my best friend Bree. I was 19 when we moved there, and didn't have a job, wasn't going to school and had no money, but hey I lived on the beach so who cared right? After about a month of being there I decided I should probably make some money. The only place that would hire me, not being a student (so I couldn't work on campus) and only living there for 4 months (with one month down already)was the good old Golden Arches... That's right I am a former McDonald's employee.
I hated that job just as soon as I started it. I hated the stupid aloha shirt with the golden arches on the sleeve, I hated the stupid visor that I had to wear. Bree loved it. I had to be to work at 7:30 in the morning and Bree would wake up those mornings with just enough time to see me put the visor on, because as soon as I did my whole demeanor would change.
Well in my loathing for the job, I always had a bad attitude at work. My boss one day asked me if I would refill the hot fudge for the hot fudge sundaes. I went into the back as I passed Natalie, a girl who was from like Colorado or something but decided she had a super strong Island accent, which for some reason meant she couldn't say her H's or the first part of my name. She always called me Lia! "Ey, Lia... trow me an ashbrown." (That is a line I would hear numerous times a day when people would order hashbrowns, I wanted to do much more than "trow" one to her!) As I passed her holding the Hot fudge she goes, "Oh Lia, you found it, I couldn't find it anywhere." I just rolled my eyes as I said, "It was right on the cabinet where it always is." I went and refilled the hot fudge and went about my business.
About 20 minutes later and roughly 6 or 7 sold Sundaes my boss says, "Julia did you refill the hot fudge" I, thinking she's giving me attitude, say, "Yeah... like 20 minutes ago!" She looked at me, with a hint of a smirk on her face. Looked at the hot fudge dispencer, and back at me and says, "This is teriyake sauce."
That's right folks, those 6 or 7 hot fudge sundaes that were sold since I refilled it, were in fact teriyake sundaes. Let me just tell you now, I did not skimp on the hot fudge. I was generous with it. I want you to imagine if you will, getting a delicious sundae, you are so excited to eat it, you get just the right ice cream to hot fudge ratio, you delicately place the spoon in your mouth, and have to spend the next several seconds holding it in your mouth as you are thinking, "What are these flavors I'm tasting? What is this atrocity I have placed on my tongue? Dare I swallow?"
At that moment I remember the poor lady who came back, the single person who came to complain. She says, "Your hot fudge sundaes taste terrible." I, hating my job and everyone who would come in contact with me while at said job replied, "Sorry..." and offer no help.
In the McDonald's in Laie there is a glass wall with doors separating the sitting area from where you order. I had just barely sold one to a gentleman who was just beyond the doors. Within seconds of my boss informing me of my tragic mistake I look over at him, as (I swear to you time slowed down) he inspects his sundae, (he didn't hear her tell me what I'd done) he looks at it, and then at me. I sheepishly look down as I beckon him to come back in. He walks in and just says, "What. Is. This?" Not being able to meet his gaze I say, "Can I get you something else? A strawberry sundae perhaps???" all he says again is, "What! IS! THIS?" I look down (probably tracing the ground with my toes, hands behind my back like a child) and say, "It's teriyake sauce..." He didn't want anything else from me.
Later that day, hours later, and old man comes in and orders a senior coffee. I go to get it for him as he says, "You can hold the teriyake sauce." Apparently word had spread...