Monday, April 22, 2013

Being an introvert...

It's funny, people that know me really well argue with me on the fact that I am an introvert. Guys, it's true.
One thing about being an introvert that is super inconvenient is the fact that I am also a singer and I LOVE to perform. That is one of the things people question when I tell them that I get social anxiety, "What? But you sing in front of thousands of people?" Singing in front of people is entirely different than standing amongst them. One thing that I have learned is that I am NOT comfortable being surrounded by people. I don't like having people behind me in a scenario that I can't easily move, like lines, or concerts or parties and the like. If you see me at a party, once it starts to get pretty crowded, I either leave or you can find me against a wall, or a pillar, or a table or something, I stand somewhere so people can't stand behind me.
So, last night I was asked to sing at a fireside with a guy I met here in AZ. I haven't had any opportunities to sing down here so I jumped on the opportunity. Once we got there and our song was over, I spent the majority of the fireside planning my exit strategy. We were sitting near the front row and I was planning the quickest way to get out so as to not be surrounded by people. I sat there thinking how inconvenient it is that I am an introvert that loves to perform. I love singing in front of people, but hate crowds. As long as I am in front of them I am good, but as soon as it's over and I need to talk to people, I get crazy anxiety.
That sounds so ridiculous, the only people that want to talk to me after are people that want to tell me I did well, and thank me, and you'd think one would be excited for that. I am grateful for those people, it does make me feel good to know they enjoyed it, but I just have a hard time talking to strangers (STRANGER DANGER)
So yes, last night, after I sang, I sat there planning my way out, and it was then that I thought, "Man being an introvert sucks!"

Thursday, April 4, 2013


Knowing that you're doing something hard for a reason, but not knowing what that reason is or when it will come into play means just doing something hard, with no end in sight. It can be difficult to keep your head up in these times.
It's been a month to the day that I have been in Arizona, and though I wouldn't say I'm "happy" here, nor do I know when I will be, there have been some good things that have come into action.
I found a connection with the AZ Diamondbacks , so even though I missed the National Anthem auditions by one day, it looks like I'll get to sing this season. Along the same lines, people are starting to see that I sing, so I am starting to get requests. Nothing big, a duet at a fireside, a solo in my ward, but singing. I've realized in being here, and not having that outlet, how important it is to me to perform. Just knowing that things are starting to happen really lifts my spirits.
The fact that I have no social life has given me a lot of time to work out. In the short time that I've been here I know almost all the trainers at my gym, just because they see me, same time, every day.
I find myself playing the guitar a lot more, simply because I don't have anyone else to play for me, so if I want to sing I better be able to play for myself. It's been such a therapeutic thing for me to just go home, sit on the floor by my bed and just play around on the guitar.
I have been given a teaching calling in my ward. Not just any teaching calling, teaching Marriage and Family relations to a bunch of singles. I don't now, nor do I think I will ever love teaching, but I love reading the lessons, and I can't tell you how many times I have been talking to someone and the phrase, "In my lesson it talked about...". Having time to sit down and read these things and think about them and really ponder the teachings in there I've really enjoyed.
In nearly every aspect of my life, things are coming together, however one thing is missing that is the reason why I can't say I'm "happy" here.
I miss having people. I miss having kindred spirits. I miss having people that know my story and my experiences. I miss having people be able to say, "remember the time..." I don't have any of those people here.
I thought it would be so nice to start over, to start fresh. I'm learning a big part of the reason I love my life so much is because of the people that are in it.
I miss my people.