Friday, July 16, 2010

Starting Anew

There have been a few times in my life recently where I felt like I got to start over. One was January 1st of this year, I just had the best feeling about 2010 and was so excited to get started. Have everything ahead of me. I felt like the end of 2009 was shutting a door on parts of my life that would be gone forever, and 2010 I could be whatever I wanted to be, and do whatever I wanted to do. 2010 was going to be my year!
So far it has been a great year, musically everything is happening right according to plan. I have performed in Denver, California, and on a cruise. I have sang the National Anthem for the Salt Lake Bees, and the Orem Owlz (twice). I started writing and recording my own songs, and have finished three of my own so far with great responses. I have plans to record on a CD next month that will be put my name on the map in the LDS industry. I don't think there has been a week this year that I didn't sing for something. I remember thinking when I first started singing that my goal wasn't to become famous, or to be rich, my goal was to have singing be a part of my every day life, and I am there. I have made it! NOW my goal is to be rich and famous ;).
I work at a job that for the first time in my life, everything is great. I love the job, I love the people I work with, I make enough money to support myself and my goals. It is a wonderful thing to go into work each day and enjoy being there. I spend the majority of the day laughing and having a good time. I feel like I am good at my job, and for the first time feel like that is being noticed and acknowledged. I feel like an asset. I know that especially these days, a job like this is hard to come by, I am lucky to have a job at all, let alone one I love so much.
I have a family that on a regular basis make me wonder what I ever did to be so lucky. Parents that support me and love me unconditionally, that would do anything for me and my happiness, and really for everyone. I have siblings who look out for me and though a lot of their time is spent teasing me (and each other) they are some of the funniest people in my life, and when we are together we just laugh the whole time. I have a family to brag about, and I do.
I have amazing friends. I have been so lucky in my life to have several very close friends. Each year, due to my friends getting married, I feel like I have to make an entirely new group of friends so that I can have single people in my life, and each year I do. Not only do I make new friends, but I make BEST friends. People that influence my life, and have such a huge impact on me. People that I don't know what I would do without.
This year is no different. I have felt for a while that it was time for a transition. Another point in my life where I felt like I needed to start anew. I have been making transitions in my life and the people I have met have been amazing. I have met people as recently as in the last month, who I feel really close to, that I bonded with almost immediately. I have made friends just since the beginning of the year, who quite literally I spend all my free time with. People who have influenced my life in ways that I desperately needed to be influenced.
Looking back on all the years and all the people in my life that mean so much to me, how they were placed there, why they were placed there when they were, tells me that nothing is coincidence. I have been put through the ringer a lot in my life, but I have always had someone to go to. Someone to make it better, someone to make it worth it. I am so lucky that way.
I once had a cousin tell me that he has never had a best friend. He has a lot of friends but no one that he could say he was really close to. I have several, and make more every year. I know I couldn't have gotten to where I am today without them. In that part of my life, I have always been lucky, when everything else seemed bleak I always had a best friend.
This post didn't end the way I had anticipated. I planned on just talking about starting over, but I realized that when I start over, I am always dependant on my friends to help me and support me. I realize not everyone has friends like that, and I just felt like I should let them know how grateful I am, and that it doesn't go unrecognized.
Thanks to all my best friends(related and not) for getting me to where I am.

Friday, July 9, 2010


What I am about to say, I say knowing I am putting myself at risk of any guy reading this and wanting nothing to do with me ;)
I am NOT domestic. I am not a clean freak, I can't cook, I can't sew, the thought of doing my daughter's hair makes me feel so bad for them, because until they learn how to do it themselves they are going to have some sad school pictures and what not. I'm not very crafty, I don't like shopping (unless it's for shoes) I don't know the first thing when it comes to decorating. I am a sad excuse for a woman. I know the error of my ways, and I am trying to do what I can to fix those things (except for sewing I couldn't really care less if I ever learn that skill.)
I am trying to cook more, I have the burn scars to prove it.
When I was little I used to watch my dad cook and I remember thinking it was so cool that he would just come up with things, he would just throw things together and it would come out delicious (with some exceptions, carrot candy Dad? Really?) I remember he let me play with some ingredients, I got a pot, filled it with water, and I think I made some concoction of water, peanut butter, some sort of green herb, salt and pepper and ketchup. Sounds yummy right, I also remember a time my mom was cooking onions and had to run somewhere and asked me to keep an eye on them, I told her I didn't know what to do, and she said, "Just keep an eye on them" So I did, I kept an eye on them, and I watched them burn. When she came back she was pretty upset, all I said was, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know when they were done or how to know if they were done, so I figured if they caught on fire I would stop it, but other than that it was a lost cause. I know what you are thinking, "You were a child at play, you didn't know what you were doing". I worry that whatever I would try to cook now would be a similar disaster.
I have had a couple successes at cooking, I once made dinner for a double date, we had chicken and rice, salad, these delicious appetizers and chocolate banana cream pie, all of which I made and I remember feeling like such a woman. When my date got there I wanted to don an apron and come to the door holding a broom or something. I know I COULD cook, I just don't, I am a very busy girl and honestly don't have the time, nor do I have a reason to really.
I blame part of this on being the youngest child. My sister had a little sister to practice hairstyles on, to practice hair cuts on, to practice make-up and what not. I had no such little sister. One time I tried to do Jennie's hair, she had braided my hair for girl's camp, and asked me to try to braid hers. After about 2 hours I finished and it looked horrible, so we had to take all the braids out, and I'm pretty sure that was the last time I was even able to practice on Jennie, I don't blame her.
My plan for my daughters is to live close to Jennie, and she can do their hair for school pictures, and dances, and church, and dates, and girl's camp, and school, and life really. I don't think she will mind ;). I will also depend on her to take them school shopping and tell them how to dress and what's cute.
When it comes to sewing, I just don't even try. I recently had a guy tell me his shoe broke in a place and asked if I could sew it back together, I wanted to laugh in his face a little bit. If a button pops off, it's staying off. If the pants or skirts are too long, I buy taller shoes. If I lose weight and the clothes are too big for me, they get tossed. I don't even attempt.
I'm hoping that some of these things will just come naturally with the title of wife/mother. I don't think that is an unreasonable hope.
I'm taking steps here and there, but I think the road to domestication is a long one, and a rocky one, and I wear heels and trip a lot so this should be interesting.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Who Knew?

Ok so for at least the last 6 years I have had such a problem with the fact that guys only want to be my friend. Many of my blog posts talk about that.
The other day I was talking to a friend of mine and I had an interesting realization.

I am the type of girl who has always had a guy best friend. I love it, they are good to talk to and get dating advice. They are fun to hang out with and play sports with. I also love being the girl in their life that they can tell anything to. The girl in their life that other girls envy because of our friendship. The problem was, I was also interested in these guys, and if I had my way we would probably be dating.
Recently I met a guy who in the beginning everything was great, it had "friendship" written all over it from the time we met. I was interested in him, but my interest got to a certain point that it could either grow if he did something or fade entirely if he didn't, but I really wanted to be his friend. We had a connection in a way that I didn't have with a lot of people. From the beginning I had him pegged as my next "best friend". The problem is, for what seemed like the first time, he didn't seem too interested in me being his best friend. This I am not used to.
It started to drive me crazy. I am used to guys wanting to spend so much time with me, not because they were interested in me, but because they just liked to be with me, as friends. Something that bothered me for so long, but then when a guy didn't react that way, THAT bothered me even more.
I realized something that made me feel like a total hypocrit. I prefer being friends. WHAT? The thing I have been so mad about for like 6 years, I actually prefer?
I realized that if these guys don't want to date me, I still want to be their friend. I want to still be that person that they tell everything to. I like being there for people, I like feeling needed, and it really bothers me to feel like he doesn't need me. Who knew I would feel this way? I did not see this coming.