Thursday, November 29, 2012

No Right Answer

So this one time I started dating two different guys at the same time. One I felt safe with and I felt had more potential for longevity. The other I had a lot of fun with and could talk with really easily but didn't necessarily see it as a "serious" possibility. I had a hard time choosing between the two, but ended up choosing the guy I felt safe with.
That relationship ended about a month later. I just never felt excitement with him and I wondered if I made the wrong choice.
I was still friends with the "fun" one and had seen a different side of him that made me wish I wouldn't have given up on him. We talked about it later I let him know how I felt, but at that point he was dating someone else. He told me it was strictly timing. It was hard wondering what could have been.
I recently found myself in the same situation. I was dating Mr. Safe and Mr. Fun.
Remembering how I felt the first time I decided to try with Mr. Fun. That lasted all of two weeks and I think about Mr. Safe all the time. Wondering if I blew that.
WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO? How do you know where to go? Have I been making wrong choices? How do I not wonder what could have been or if I did the right thing?
All four of these guys are great guys, really top shelf, I could be happy with any of them so it's not like I'm choosing someone bad for me, but why does it happen that way? How am I supposed to know which direction to go?
Gosh dating! So over it!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Dang Wrenches!

One thing I have been struggling with lately is trust.
I got to a point in my life where I had a plan set in motion and all was well, we all know those moments are fleeting before something (someone) comes along and throws a wrench in your plans.
As soon as I decide to like someone I lose faith in that person. I don't trust them, I expect them to hurt me, and I am afraid that I am self-sabatoging in that regard.
I won't allow myself to be vulnerable because I tell myself they will take that vulnerability and make me regret giving it to them.
I hate this because I feel like it will prevent me from giving the guys a chance to not hurt me.
I just feel like I've been hurt so many times that I can't imagine any different so I don't want to give people that chance.
I'm trying to give people a chance anyway, but it's so scary. I'm afraid I'll beat myself up if the same thing happens again with the, "I should have known" attitude.
I had gotten to a point where I was dating but I wasn't letting anyone in, I wasn't attaching to anyone emotionally and I was totally fine with that.
Then a wrench got thrown in the mix and as much as I didn't want to like him, as much as I put it off, as much as I avoided it, it happened, and now I'm scared.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Best Mom In The Wide World

This week my group, had a show in Midvale. It was for a relief society thing for a branch. I had called my mom that morning and asked her if she would want to come and be my date, she jumped on the opportunity.
That alone made my whole day. Sometimes I feel like people get sick of feeling like they have to come to my shows. Like I do them all the time and sometimes they just don't want to have to go, like it's a burden. So when I called her a part of me was prepared for the, "Well... I have this going on, I'll see if I can make it." But this is my mom we are talking about. The woman who will ask me to sing for anyone and everyone be it at a family dinner, at a restaurant, on the street... So I shouldn't have been surprised when she wanted to come.
I was so excited to have her there. She has met the guys in my group before, but only a couple of times. I was so proud to have her there and have them really get to meet and talk to her. My friend Kelly also was there and I was so excited for her to meet my mom for the first time. For these people to meet someone so very important to me that they have heard me talk about for so long.
As we sang I would look down at her in the audience, and she just smiled the whole time. I could see how proud she was. For me it wouldn't have mattered if anyone else was in the crowd that night. I was singing for her.
I have been singing my whole life. I have been in a ton of different groups and have performed hundreds of times, and my mom has been there every chance she could be. Every singing recitle (some [most] of which were really painful to sit through). Every talent show. The thing that sticks out the most was when I was in a rock band. A ROCK band. Our music was not soft, was not pretty. It was awesome but it was hard and loud and certainly not her cup of tea, but I just have this image in my mind... We were doing a basement party and she came and was in the front row. I'll never forget looking over at her, she just had this giant smile on her face, but she was plugging her ears. THAT my friends is support. I remember her telling me after that the bass was so strong and loud that it actually made her physically ill haha, but she loved it.
It means so much to me to know that not only is she so proud of me, but that she will support me, not because she has to because she's my mom, but because she genuinely wants to be there and listen to me sing. She is, without doubt, my biggest fan, and I am her's.
Love you Momma.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Uneasiness of Ease

Ok, so lately things have just been really really great.
I feel an influx of motivation towards my physical goals. I have gone off sugar again (which I did this summer for two months)the first two days were rough, but the past 5 have been just fine and I feel awesome. I've started a new workout class. I'm the kind of girl who has to try everything. I hear of a new workout and my ears perk up and before I know it I'm signing up for it. I feel like I've done just about everything, yoga, pilates, bikram yoga, bootcamp, crossfit, dash fitness, power pump, kick boxing. I've done spinning classes, water aerobics. I've tried (not completed) insanity and p90X.
I do all of these things because I like trying new things. I want to know what works the best for me and what I'll stick to. So far my faves have been, bootcamp, crossfit, dash fitness and this class I'm doing now at The Dailey Method.
I have a cruise in 75 days, I like having a goal to aim for.
I digress. I have also jump started my music again. My group, Mountain Blue, hasn't performed, or even practiced, in months, we got together Sunday and practiced and tonight we have a performance. Having gigs lined up just makes me feel whole again. I have now been in Mountain Blue for 4 years, and it has become a part of me. I really can't imagine not being a part of it, and the idea of ever having to leave it scares me. I recorded on Saturday with one of the guys in the group, just to test out some microphones, but just being in the studio again recharged my batteries. Friends of Spencer, continues to book weddings, which being a project I started (didn't join) feels so validating to be noticed and wanted. I'm so grateful for that partnership with Jaycie and for what I have accomplished with her.
I have a great job. I am able to support myself comfortably. I am out of debt and able to add to my savings. I feel respected and acknowledged at work. I feel like I do a good job and it is noticed.
Even with the elections this week, no it did not go the way I hoped, but I feel this odd sense of patriotism for even being a part of it. I am proud of our country, I'm proud to be a part of it. The world is a wicked WICKED place and though I firmly believe it will get worse before it gets better, I have faith in God's plan, and the scriptures say the world will get worse before it gets better, so the fact that it's getting worse just affirms my faith that one day it WILL get better.
Most importantly I have felt the spirit a lot in my life lately. My oldest niece Leah is getting baptized this Saturday, I feel like I have been waiting for this day for so long. I remember my baptism and to have the first grandchild having this experience, I am just so excited for her. I am excited to see my brother Dane baptize his daughter. Emotions will run high that day.
A girl in my ward was baptized last week and they confirmed her a member on Sunday. I was sitting on the stand as they did this and I couldn't help but smile. What a brave thing to do. I am incredibly grateful to have been born a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but there was a part of me that sat there thinking, "What did it feel like for her to hear it for the first time? To feel the spirit the first time?" How incredible. I wanted to talk to her after and pick her brain and welcome her, but I didn't want to freak her out, so I didn't (plus I'm an introvert... so... I found reasons why I shouldn't approach her).

All that being said, my comfort right now is somewhat unsettling. In my experience there is always something around the corner.
Luckily, also in my experience, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

My beautiful niece, Leah Danielle Sanders, in Maui this year.