Friday, April 30, 2010

Confession, 3 years in the making

This is a dating blog, that was my goal in the beginning. This post relates to something I think about with every guy I am interested and each date I go on. This post is extremely personal, and something I NEVER thought I would openly admit to, but it's time.
A lot of the people that will read this didn't know me three years ago. They think the person they know now is the person I have always been. Well, it's not the person I have always been. I am more myself today than ever, but this is not who I always was.
When I was about 12 or 13 I started to gain weight. I think it was mostly puberty related, but none-the-less. All throughout junior high and high school I struggled with it. I tried every diet and exercise routine KNOWN TO MAN, but wasn't able to stick to anything.
I always loved playing sports, but it was hard for me, and embarrassing so I wouldn't. I wasn't as active as I wanted to be, because I physically wasn't able to be. I am not going to go into detail on the depression that caused, because that is not who I was really, and it is NOT who I am today.
When I was 22 I walked into the kitchen where my mom was sitting at the counter reading the paper. She was reading an article on Gastric-Band surgery. She read me a little about it, I didn't know much, and she said, "If this is something you would be interested in, your dad and I will help you." Immediately I knew it was something I would be interested in, so I started doing research on it.
The way gastric-band works, is the put a band on your stomach at the top of it, they can tighten it or loosen it whenever you want, but it's permanent. I could have it expanded all the way, so it would be as though it wasn't there, that way if I were to get pregnant the baby would get enough nutrients, I could also have it tightened again, say after pregnancy, if I were to gain more weight, and it would help me lose the weight again, it's like forced portion control.
This wasn't an easy decision to make, because in a lot of ways, I didn't feel supported in it. I felt like I was cheating. I had people, guys, tell me I was taking the easy way out, that I was being lazy, and selfish to make my parents do something like this for me. That if I had any kind of will-power I would just do it myself. That was when I decided I would never tell any guy EVER what I was doing.
I did a full year of research, I went to seminars, I went to doctors, I talked to people who had had it done. I knew/know everything there is to know about this surgery. I also knew that it wouldn't make me "skinny" all the people I talked to weren't thin, but they were smallER, skinniER, healthiER. All I wanted was a jump start.
My goal was to have this surgery to help me get to a point where I could do it on my own. I didn't want to be dependant on it forever, I just wanted to feel "normal".
On June 18, 2007 I had the surgery. I spoke with the nurses and asked what I could expect as far as results. I had read that the average person that has this surgery would lose up to 50% of their excess body weight in the first year, and up to 70% the year after that. I wanted to lose it all. I asked the nurse if that was realistic at all. She told me, it was realistic, but very rare, and that I shouldn't plan on that, that I should just work hard and follow the rules and maybe I could be above average. That was all I needed to hear. It was possible.
When you first have the surgery the band is loosened all the way, you are supposed to go in every 2 weeks for the first 6 months and gradually get it tightened, and then once a month to complete the year, and then just as needed.
My goal was to lose weight to a certain point, and then have it expanded all the way, and do the rest on my own.
I went in every two weeks until October 2007, that was the last time I had "a fill" I continued to lose weight. The following April I was going to Hawaii with my parents. They say to get it loosened before you travel, so I did, not all the way, but some, and I never got it tightened again. By June 18, 2008 I had lost 100% of the excess body weight. I lost it all the first year.
I was becoming the person I had always wanted to be, but was never able to be. I was participating in sports all the time, runnin, hiking, not only was I doing them, but I wasn't half bad either.
By August of 08, I had decided it was time to get it loosened all the way, and do the rest on my own. When I went in to get it loosened the nurse talked to me like I was going to fail, she said, "People like us don't lose weight the normal way, you can't keep it off without the band. I'm only telling you this because WHEN you gain weight and come back to get it tightened, I don't want you to feel like a failure." She didn't know me. I knew how it worked, these people that had this surgery were completely dependant on it. If they were to get it loosened they would gain the weight back in a heart beat, because they didn't follow the rules, they didn't exercise or eat healthy food, and that was not going to be me. I didn't want to live with the fear that I couldn't do it on my own, I was stronger than that, and I would prove her wrong.
Since August of 08, I have continued to lose weight, and body fat%, I have competed in races, I have hiked Mt Timpanogos, I rock-climb, I am able to do all these things that for 23 years of my life I wasn't capable of doing. I LOVE doing them too, which is why I know this is who I am meant to be. This is who I always was, just wasn't able to be. Total I have lost over 90 pounds, and 80 of that was in the first year.
I love to challenge myself, I love to improve myself. I am now at a lower weight than I have ever been in my life, I am at a lower body fat % than most girls my age.
That being said, it is something I have been completely insecure about, every time I would go out with a guy, I'd fear ever getting to the point where I would one day have to tell him, thinking he wouldn't want me anymore, that no guy would be able to see the work I have done, and just think of the person I was and fear that I would become that again. I would be terrified that anyone would find a picture of me from before, and completely judge me for who I used to be.
Yes, I used to be that way, and in a lot of ways I am grateful. It has made me the person I am today. It was hard, and painful, and the worst time of my life, but that part of my life is over. I am who I am today, and this is who I will always be.
Take me or leave me, if you don't want me because of who I was in the past, I can do better than you. If you hear this story and it makes you question who I am, then you don't really know me, and I would probably be fine without you in my life.
This is the best thing I have ever done. I have beaten the odds. It has been two years since I had it loosened all the way, and I am in far better shape than I was then. I proved them wrong. I proved everyone wrong.
I wanted to write this post, because this is something I should be proud of, not ashamed of, and I am proud.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Summer Dating

Summer dating, oh how I love thee!
I consider myself to be a pretty simple girl, not too hard to please, which is why any potential suitors should be pretty excited about summer.
I think summer is the easiest time to date. It is so easy to plan activities and dates that are cheap, and so fun.
There are so many options, hiking, bonfires, going to a park, going on a walk, playing sports, teaching sports, going to a driving range, going golfing, hot tubbing, and the list goes on and on. Movies are even better in the summer time. It gets me so excited just writing about it.
I went on a date last summer that was a perfect summer date. It was close to the 4th of July, and around that time Taylorsville has "Taylorsville days" The guy picked me up we drove to a park ate snow-cones while we would pick out people in the park and try to guess their life story. Then there was a free concert by an orchestra and then we watched fireworks. It was so nice outside and we just laid on a blanket on the grass and enjoyed. SEE! Summer dating is awesome, that probably cost him a total of $4 and I was perfectly happy.
I think in the summer people can really shine, you can do something so simple and make it so much fun. Winter makes it so hard to date, and typically more expensive because you have to do indoor activities for the most part. Summer is the best! I am a kid at heart and love to just play. Water fights, water parks, camping, boating, slack-lining, rock climbing, swimming, biking... and it's all right around the corner.
Summer dating, oh how I love thee.

Friday, April 23, 2010


I know for a fact that everyone has this problem, but I fear that I do it to a more extreme level than anyone else.
It goes both ways too, if I feel like a guy is interested in me, even if I like them too, I start to analyze their feelings and every move they make. Like if they ask me to hang out, I start to think, "Ok so do they just want to hang out, or is this a date? If this is a date are they thinking that something is going to happen tonight? If something does happen tonight, are they going to think we are in a legit relationship? If they do think we are in a legit relationship do I need to say something? If I don't say anything are they going to propose to me?"
It's so bad, because I need to take things slowly, and most people probably feel the same way, but for some reason I feel like they can't or won't. I think, if I go out with these people, does that mean I can't go out with anyone else? If they were to find out I was dating other people would they be hurt? Even though I know they are most likely going out with other people too.
My mind races, and it occupies WAY too much of my thoughts.
On the other end, if I am interested in a guy, but I don't know how he feels, it's even worse. I know what you're thinking, "How could it possibly get worse? From the previous statements you are already a complete psycho. You shouldn't admit to anything else, because if you do, I won't be able to speak with you for I will have had a complete loss of respect." and yet, I continue.
When I am interested in a guy and I don't know how he feels, everything he says and does could mean 187 different things, and I go through them all in extreme detail.
For instance, say I like a guy and he calls me and says, "Hey a group of us are going to a movie tonight if you're interested." This is my thought process, "I want to go, because I like him, but is he asking me on a date, or just inviting me as part of the group? If it is just a group thing are there going to be other girls there that I am going to have to watch him flirt with? Is he inviting me just to be nice, or does he really want me there? If I go, am I going to look desperate? Maybe I shouldn't go to show him, I don't need to be there, therefore making it look like I have other options that are more appealing, maybe then he would try a little harder and be more interested, but if I don't go is he going to think I am not interested and then not do anything in the future?" I'm not kidding that is pretty typical if not exact.
I don't know why I do this, but it's so annoying because it doesn't need to be that challenging. It should just be, if he didn't want me to be there he wouldn't invite me. No matter the extent to how badly he wants me there or not, he is inviting me and if I want to go I should go!
I also analyze my own actions, and what the other person would analyze about what I am doing. That is probably the most ridiculous thing ever. I analyze something to death, then I finally make a decision, then I think about what the person would think about the decision I make, which makes me re-analyze my decision.
People, I know. I KNOW! But how do I stop? How do I go from over-analyzing queen to a normal human being?
I would like to take this time to apologize to all the people I vocally over-analyze to. You are gems for listening to me, and I promise you, it's not over. ;)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Skeptic or Realist

Ok so I just returned from a 5 day LDS single's cruise, and it left me with some opinions that I am not sure how I feel about.
The reason for me going on this cruise is, I am in a singing group, and we were asked to perform for the people going on the cruise. I have never been on a single's cruise before so I thought this would be a really good opportunity to meet new people.
I have never been great at meeting new people, there was a time in my life when I HATED meeting new people. I have a hard time talking to people I don't know, and being myself. For some reason, on this cruise, that didn't apply to me anymore.
I went with my singing group, which is three other guys. That meant I was basically on my own. I was going to be sharing a room with three girls, who I had never met before, and I'm not going to lie, I was pretty worried about how this was going to end up.
I had intentions when going, not that I was going to meet "the one" but I certainly hoped that I would meet some viable options. Exchange numbers here and there, but I didn't expect anything more than that.
I did notice though, that there were some people on that cruise on a mission. They were dedicated on meeting their Eternal Companion on this cruise.
It was funny to watch the people that did get paired up. This is where the title of the post comes into play.
I met a lot of guys on this cruise, and honestly I would like to hang out with all of them, I had a lot of fun and like to make new friends. I was not about to single myself out to one person. I was not going on a cruise to be attached the whole time. I would see people that did that and just think about what they could have missed out on doing, who they could have missed out on meeting.
I find it hard to believe that those people that paired off are really going to have a lasting relationship when the cruise is over, so what was the point? Why do that to your vacation? I wouldn't want to look back having mainly hung out with one person, and then nothing ever came from it.
I met a lot of people who I really hope to see a lot. The girls I roomed with were awesome we hit it off right off the bat, and I would love to keep hanging out with them. I met a lot of guys I want to be friends with. That being said, I didn't come home expecting things to stay as they were on the cruise.
It was really nice to escape reality, to go on this cruise alone and meet an entirely new group of people, to make a group of friends that I did everything with, but I knew the whole time it would come to an end. That no matter how much we said we were going to hang out, it would eventually fade, and I am sure we will keep in contact, but we all had lives to come home to.
So am I just being realistic in thinking those relationships were just good memories? Or am I just too skeptical in thinking there isn't any point in expecting anything to come from them.
I realized that I do this in real life too. (The cruise was not real life) I find myself asking "what's the point?" I meet new people, and make new friends, and the skeptic inside me says "Don't get attached". How do I stop that? And is it skepticism?
I like the people I met, and I hope to maintain a relationship with all of them, but I find myself with my gloves up. Skeptic or Realist?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Cheap Dates.

I don't know who decided that making the date super expensive was necessary for the girl to have a good time.
I think I am a pretty low maintenance girl. It doesn't take a ton to please me. When it comes to dates, simple is better, and in my experience has turned out to be the most fun. That being said, I still want there to be some sort of plan, but it doesn't have to be extraordinary.
One of the best dates I went on was with the guy that called me semi-attractive (granted it didn't go anywhere beyond the first date, but still it was a pretty awesome date.) He came and picked me up and took me back to his house. He made me breakfast for dinner. Points- 1, Made me dinner, I do love a man that can cook (mainly because I don't, but I'm working on it) 2- Breakfast for dinner, not typical and I LOVE IT! 3- I liked this idea because we could get to know each other while he was cooking, he would give me jobs to do, like cutting the oranges, setting the table, what have you. 4, Cooking a meal together is a great idea. I don't really like to go out to eat, so this was perfect for me. We ate dinner, it was quiet, delicious, and fun.
After dinner he pulled out a Shrek puzzle. I was going to be going on a cruise, and I had mentioned to him the night we met that my friend and I were going to bring a puzzle with us on the cruise, and how excited I was. Points- 4, he listened to what I said and took note for our date. 5, not only did he buy a puzzle, but he had a plan.
We decided that since it was only like 100 pieces it would be pretty easy to do, it was for ages 5 and up I think, so we decided to time ourselves and see how quickly we could do it. So we put the puzzle together and talked and really started to get to know each other. Points- 6, coming up with an activity that you can have fun with, while getting to know each other. 7, for some reason I like doing kid activities on dates. (future reference in case I go out with any guys that read this blg, I think building a fort would be a lot of fun).
The puzzle ended up taking us like an hour to do, which was sad given the fact that we were both mid-20's and it was for 5 year olds, but we had a good time. Laughed a lot, and talked a lot, it was a great date activity.
After the puzzle we just kind of sat talked and listened to music. Then he took me home, and never called me again ;). Sure it didn't go anywhere, and I was totally fine with that, but I will always remember that as being one of the best dates.
Another date I went on, (with another guy who I didn't really ever see again) Was in the fall. We went to a corn maze, which had two sections, fun, and haunted. We did both. Points 1, doing corn mazes are fun, because it is just you two, gives you a lot of time to talk. 2, haunted corn mazes are fun because if there is any interest there it gives you the chance to be all cozy. I told him before we went out that if the corn maze was haunted I would get grabby, I am a pansy and that's how I roll. When we had the choice of corn maze and he said he wanted to do the haunted one, I figured he was ok with me holding on to him. After the corn maze we went and got hot chocolate at 7-11. Points- 3, hot chocolate makes me feel cozy, it was nice after a chilly corn maze. Then we decided to go to his house and carve a pumpkin. Points-4, Awesome idea, I got to see his creative side. 5, he didn't make me clean the guts, which was good for him because it wouldn't have been beneficial for either one of us, if I started gagging. 6, gave us time to talk more and get to know each other.
After we carved the pumpkin we decided to watch a scary movie. Points-7, I love fall activities and we pretty much nailed them all in this one date. 8, I felt like he was having a really good time because he kept coming up with new things to do. 9, he chose a scary movie which showed me he was ok with me being grabby again.
After the movie he drove me home.
This date didn't even include a meal, and I was totally fine with that. This one also will go down in history as one of the best dates ever, if not THE best date. AND it was a blind date. (Well done Scotcho!) Granted nothing happened with him either, but he was a great guy, and I think we had a really good time together. If we didn't, the date wouldn't have been 7 hours long. He easily could have taken me home after the corn maze.
These are two dates which I don't think broke the bank for these guys, but they were awesome. I love those, because I think they are far more creative than dinner and a movie. Not that I am bagging on that, I like dinner, I love movies, but if you can be creative like that. Awesome. Summer is super easy too. You can go up the canyon and have a fire, you can play sports outside, you can go for walks, you can go for hikes. I am so looking forward to summer dating :)
So guys, get the creative juices flowing, and you don't have to spend a ton to make the girl happy. :)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Power Lies With Who Cares Less...

I hate how true this statement is. When it comes to dating, this is pretty much the dater's motto.
It is so annoying that you can not be interested in someone, not care if you don't hang out with them or do, but then as soon as you find out that THEY don't care, all of the sudden you're annoyed. You didn't care, but now that they don't care, you care that they don't care. It's such a ridiculous cycle.
It's happened to me many times.
I remember years ago, there was a guy who was interested in me, I thought he was great, but I just wasn't romantically interested. We went on a couple of dates and I think he just got the vibe that I wasn't feeling it. So he stopped trying. Then one night I saw him with another girl, in our ward. He had his arm around her, and jealousy filled me to my very soul. I wanted his arm to be around me. Though I knew full well if it was, I wouldn't want it to be.
It wasn't that I wanted him, but I wanted him to keep wanting me. It's that attention that we all love.
Knowing that I have been in that situation, I shouldn't be so upset when guys do that to me, but I can't help it.
Another time, I was going to hang out with a guy who I was interested in but wasn't really giving me the interest I was hoping for. He had invited me to this party, and honestly I didn't want to go, but knew that if I didn't go I would have wondered what would have happened. So I made my roommate come with me. My whole plan was to be indifferent. I wasn't going for him, I was going to meet other people. I was going to make new friends, I wasn't going to talk to him, unless he talked to me first. And that is exactly what I did, and it worked like a charm. That night. He was flirty and touchy, and cuddly, but only that night. Once he had my attention again he stopped all his advances.
That part of dating is very misleading, and it makes it really hard to read people, and how they really feel.
Guys always say that trying to understand girls is impossible, girls say the same thing about guys. People, we are all playing the same game, and from what I can see, we are using the same playbook.
So it all comes down to this. If the guy was interested he would do something about it. If he's not doing anything about it, he's not interested. Girls can flirt and let the guys know (subtly) that they are interested, but it is the guy's job to take the step, and if they're not taking it, they don't want to.
I wish that was easy to remember, because it is REALLY easy to make excuses for them, truth is, it's rare that there is actually an excuse, other than, "He's just not that into you."

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Shoes: For or Against?

I have been told once that there are a few topics that girls talk about that force guys to mentally fall asleep. Shopping, make-up and "ponies" to name a few. It has been said that the only thing that can bring a guy out of the mental coma, is the mention of something like, sports, or guns, or perhaps Eva Longoria.
One topic to which guys daze are shoes. I have a deep love for them, and own many a pair. I like the way they make my legs look, I like the way they make my feet look. I think high-heels are very flattering.
I always thought girls bought shoes like this, to please the men-folk. To make ourselves more attractive for them, but recent experience makes me question that theory.
I have a good friend who when I first met him would always comment on my shoes. Calling them snazzy and sassy and the like. Then when we became better friends I wore a pair of heels around him, and he said, "You know guys hate shoes like that right?" What? The same guy who I thought loved them, would compliment me on them, and then turn away in disgust at my choice of footwear? I felt betrayed. He told me that to him, shoes like that made the girl come across as high maintenance, and that is NOT the kind of girl he wanted. He loves when girls where flats, LOVES a girl in a hoody, and about passes out if a girl looks good in a beanie.
I understand that not all men want those same qualities, but since then I have always wondered. Are guys turned off by my shoes? Have I been wrong this whole time? Are the men that I am trying to attract turning in the opposite direction because of what I am using to attract them? (Granted I have other qualities, attributes, and features that I would hope help in the attraction process, I don't simply rely on my shoes to do the work. I don't walk up to a guy that I am interested in and hold up my shoes, I'm just sayin.)
So this leads me to my question. Do guys, or do they not like high-heels?
Are girls wearing heels to impress the dudes, or to impress each other? We buy them, and show them off to our friends. We notice other girl's shoes. We talk about shoes to each other. Are we only trying to impress each other?
In my opinion I think that is a big factor in the shoe buying process. BUT, I also think they still make my legs look good, which is appealing to the opposite sex. I have some good calves, heels definitely help accentuate those. They are one body part I am proud of, so I wear the heels.
That being said, I know they aren't practical. I know in winter wearing high heels is asking to slip and fall in what can only be a devestatingly embarrassing fashion. I know that they hurt, and after a day of wearing heels and being on my feet I would be in so much pain that my walking for the next day or so would be like that of an 80 year old woman, who was drunk, and rode a horse for hours and hours. I know that if I was wearing heels, and was to be chased by a murderer I would have next to no hope and be killed almost immediately. I realize all this, yet, I wear them, almost daily, and I must say I rock them!
I like to think that my friend is in the minority of guys. That most guys actually do like heels, because I know full well, I am not going to stop wearing them, and I am not going to stop buying them.
I also would like to point out that I am not a high maintenance girl. I am not a huge fan of shopping. I love rock climbing and camping and hiking and playing sports and trying new things, and getting dirty, and being active. I don't mind getting my hair wet when I swim. I don't wear new make-up to the gym, I don't look cute at the gym at all. I do however own over 30 pairs of shoes. That, gentlemen, does not define me.
I realize that all the guys that may have been led to this blog, are probably unconscious right now, so I will end by saying one thing. Eva Longoria.