Confession, 3 years in the making

This is a dating blog, that was my goal in the beginning. This post relates to something I think about with every guy I am interested and each date I go on. This post is extremely personal, and something I NEVER thought I would openly admit to, but it's time.
A lot of the people that will read this didn't know me three years ago. They think the person they know now is the person I have always been. Well, it's not the person I have always been. I am more myself today than ever, but this is not who I always was.
When I was about 12 or 13 I started to gain weight. I think it was mostly puberty related, but none-the-less. All throughout junior high and high school I struggled with it. I tried every diet and exercise routine KNOWN TO MAN, but wasn't able to stick to anything.
I always loved playing sports, but it was hard for me, and embarrassing so I wouldn't. I wasn't as active as I wanted to be, because I physically wasn't able to be. I am not going to go into detail on the depression that caused, because that is not who I was really, and it is NOT who I am today.
When I was 22 I walked into the kitchen where my mom was sitting at the counter reading the paper. She was reading an article on Gastric-Band surgery. She read me a little about it, I didn't know much, and she said, "If this is something you would be interested in, your dad and I will help you." Immediately I knew it was something I would be interested in, so I started doing research on it.
The way gastric-band works, is the put a band on your stomach at the top of it, they can tighten it or loosen it whenever you want, but it's permanent. I could have it expanded all the way, so it would be as though it wasn't there, that way if I were to get pregnant the baby would get enough nutrients, I could also have it tightened again, say after pregnancy, if I were to gain more weight, and it would help me lose the weight again, it's like forced portion control.
This wasn't an easy decision to make, because in a lot of ways, I didn't feel supported in it. I felt like I was cheating. I had people, guys, tell me I was taking the easy way out, that I was being lazy, and selfish to make my parents do something like this for me. That if I had any kind of will-power I would just do it myself. That was when I decided I would never tell any guy EVER what I was doing.
I did a full year of research, I went to seminars, I went to doctors, I talked to people who had had it done. I knew/know everything there is to know about this surgery. I also knew that it wouldn't make me "skinny" all the people I talked to weren't thin, but they were smallER, skinniER, healthiER. All I wanted was a jump start.
My goal was to have this surgery to help me get to a point where I could do it on my own. I didn't want to be dependant on it forever, I just wanted to feel "normal".
On June 18, 2007 I had the surgery. I spoke with the nurses and asked what I could expect as far as results. I had read that the average person that has this surgery would lose up to 50% of their excess body weight in the first year, and up to 70% the year after that. I wanted to lose it all. I asked the nurse if that was realistic at all. She told me, it was realistic, but very rare, and that I shouldn't plan on that, that I should just work hard and follow the rules and maybe I could be above average. That was all I needed to hear. It was possible.
When you first have the surgery the band is loosened all the way, you are supposed to go in every 2 weeks for the first 6 months and gradually get it tightened, and then once a month to complete the year, and then just as needed.
My goal was to lose weight to a certain point, and then have it expanded all the way, and do the rest on my own.
I went in every two weeks until October 2007, that was the last time I had "a fill" I continued to lose weight. The following April I was going to Hawaii with my parents. They say to get it loosened before you travel, so I did, not all the way, but some, and I never got it tightened again. By June 18, 2008 I had lost 100% of the excess body weight. I lost it all the first year.
I was becoming the person I had always wanted to be, but was never able to be. I was participating in sports all the time, runnin, hiking, not only was I doing them, but I wasn't half bad either.
By August of 08, I had decided it was time to get it loosened all the way, and do the rest on my own. When I went in to get it loosened the nurse talked to me like I was going to fail, she said, "People like us don't lose weight the normal way, you can't keep it off without the band. I'm only telling you this because WHEN you gain weight and come back to get it tightened, I don't want you to feel like a failure." She didn't know me. I knew how it worked, these people that had this surgery were completely dependant on it. If they were to get it loosened they would gain the weight back in a heart beat, because they didn't follow the rules, they didn't exercise or eat healthy food, and that was not going to be me. I didn't want to live with the fear that I couldn't do it on my own, I was stronger than that, and I would prove her wrong.
Since August of 08, I have continued to lose weight, and body fat%, I have competed in races, I have hiked Mt Timpanogos, I rock-climb, I am able to do all these things that for 23 years of my life I wasn't capable of doing. I LOVE doing them too, which is why I know this is who I am meant to be. This is who I always was, just wasn't able to be. Total I have lost over 90 pounds, and 80 of that was in the first year.
I love to challenge myself, I love to improve myself. I am now at a lower weight than I have ever been in my life, I am at a lower body fat % than most girls my age.
That being said, it is something I have been completely insecure about, every time I would go out with a guy, I'd fear ever getting to the point where I would one day have to tell him, thinking he wouldn't want me anymore, that no guy would be able to see the work I have done, and just think of the person I was and fear that I would become that again. I would be terrified that anyone would find a picture of me from before, and completely judge me for who I used to be.
Yes, I used to be that way, and in a lot of ways I am grateful. It has made me the person I am today. It was hard, and painful, and the worst time of my life, but that part of my life is over. I am who I am today, and this is who I will always be.
Take me or leave me, if you don't want me because of who I was in the past, I can do better than you. If you hear this story and it makes you question who I am, then you don't really know me, and I would probably be fine without you in my life.
This is the best thing I have ever done. I have beaten the odds. It has been two years since I had it loosened all the way, and I am in far better shape than I was then. I proved them wrong. I proved everyone wrong.
I wanted to write this post, because this is something I should be proud of, not ashamed of, and I am proud.