Sunday, January 13, 2013

Online Dating... aka ammo for my book on being single.

So, one day I listened to a podcast my friend did on a couple that met online. They were both a little hesitant to admit that is how they met, alas.
This piqued my curioustity, so I went to an online dating sight I had heard some friends talking about. Before I knew it I was putting in my information.
Within the first hour I probably had over 30 "flirts" which I just think is nonsense. Flirts are basically a notification from someone that says, "hi" or "you're cute" or "nice photo". They are preprogrammed messages and you pick from the list and it will send them to the person of your choice.
The flirts I pretty much just passed by. If someone sent me a message I'd look into it a little further. If they sent me an IM, I almost never responded. BUT I learned that if you exit from an IM conversation the other person gets a notification saying, "Julia has left the conversation".
Here is something I know about myself. I can't handle the feeling of rejecting someone. I hate it. I feel so guilty. Being someone who has been rejected plenty in my day, and knowing, full well, the other side of the fence, I hate doing that to someone else. That has always been hard for me in the dating world. Online dating is having to do that like 45 times a day.
I also learned that even if someone did seem interesting and worth getting to know, I would panic at the thought of actually meeting them and would turn down the opportunity.
I knew it wasn't for me. I am too much of an introvert for this kind of attention. If I wasn't interested I wouldn't respond at all, and a lot of times if I didn't respond I would get follow up emails saying something to the effect of, "I guess you're not interested." or "I guess I'm not what you're looking for" and I just felt SO BAD! I know how I am, and I know that if I were to have responded to them I would just be leading them on and I didn't want to drag something out I knew wasn't going to go anywhere.
There were a handful of guys that I enjoyed emailing, I enjoyed getting to know and honestly I would like to know them in person, but I wish they were guys that I would just see around. Just knowing that this is how I met them makes me worry. I worry because there were also guys that emailed me that were STRAIGHT UP CRAZY!!!
I know things have changed in the world of online meeting people, I know a lot of people have really busy schedules and don't have the opportunity to get out there and meet people and for those people I say online is great. It is a great way to meet a lot of people.
I just checked and in that one month I got 245 "flirts" and 285 emails. Honestly if you just want to find someone, if you just want to get out there and meet people and date, this is a good way to go.
That being said, it's not for me. I'm glad I gave it a go for a month, and who knows maybe one day I'll revisit it, but I'm happy to end this little sojourn after my one month trial.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Why Aren't You Married???

I have never been asked this question so much in my life...
I understand that people are trying to be complimentary, but honestly how am I really supposed to answer that?
One guy asked me that recently, he has only really ever seen pictures of me. I'm flattered to know that he finds me attractive, but when he asked me that I just thought, "You have never met me before, you are basing the fact that I should be married strictly on looks." So I said, "I have a really crappy personality."
I usually stick to telling people, "I really think it's because I just haven't found 'the one' yet." but I'm thinking I need to start being more creative.
If people really want to get an answer I should give them one that will make them think, "Oh yeah... makes sense you're single." Or at least make them realize that if I actually could have a concrete answer to that, like there is something I could do to change it that I'd do it.
For now the answer seems to be, the guys that are interested in me I am not interested in. The guys that I am interested in, the guys I really see potential with that I actually date, once I get attached and decide I really want it to go somewhere they inform me that they just got out of a relationship that really hurt them, and they can't progress in a relationship. BUT as really awesome consolation, they really do like me, it's not anything wrong with me, they just can't be in a relationship with me. It's just bad timing... Oh... ok that doesn't hurt at all then, carry on.
I swear if timing was a thing I could physically cause damage to I would.
People, think through the things you ask people. Even if you see someone and think, "I don't understand why anyone would pass up the opportunity to be with them." Understand that they have been through a lot probably and you asking them that really does make them think, "Gosh, IS there something wrong with me? Is there one real reason why I'm not married? Is it really just because I haven't found 'the one' yet? Or am I doing something wrong?"
I stand by my answer of it just hasn't happened for me yet. I've dated some amazing guys. I've been broken hearted and I've broken hearts. I've thought time after time, "This guy could be different..." and for one reason or another they all end. It takes work to stay positive and keep trying. Though I appreciate the compliment of people thinking I should be married by now, I'm not and I believe there is a reason for that that is beyond my control. So I just keep on keepin on and wait for the day when one guy really is different from the rest.