I have never been asked this question so much in my life...
I understand that people are trying to be complimentary, but honestly how am I really supposed to answer that?
One guy asked me that recently, he has only really ever seen pictures of me. I'm flattered to know that he finds me attractive, but when he asked me that I just thought, "You have never met me before, you are basing the fact that I should be married strictly on looks." So I said, "I have a really crappy personality."
I usually stick to telling people, "I really think it's because I just haven't found 'the one' yet." but I'm thinking I need to start being more creative.
If people really want to get an answer I should give them one that will make them think, "Oh yeah... makes sense you're single." Or at least make them realize that if I actually could have a concrete answer to that, like there is something I could do to change it that I'd do it.
For now the answer seems to be, the guys that are interested in me I am not interested in. The guys that I am interested in, the guys I really see potential with that I actually date, once I get attached and decide I really want it to go somewhere they inform me that they just got out of a relationship that really hurt them, and they can't progress in a relationship. BUT as really awesome consolation, they really do like me, it's not anything wrong with me, they just can't be in a relationship with me. It's just bad timing... Oh... ok that doesn't hurt at all then, carry on.
I swear if timing was a thing I could physically cause damage to I would.
People, think through the things you ask people. Even if you see someone and think, "I don't understand why anyone would pass up the opportunity to be with them." Understand that they have been through a lot probably and you asking them that really does make them think, "Gosh, IS there something wrong with me? Is there one real reason why I'm not married? Is it really just because I haven't found 'the one' yet? Or am I doing something wrong?"
I stand by my answer of it just hasn't happened for me yet. I've dated some amazing guys. I've been broken hearted and I've broken hearts. I've thought time after time, "This guy could be different..." and for one reason or another they all end. It takes work to stay positive and keep trying. Though I appreciate the compliment of people thinking I should be married by now, I'm not and I believe there is a reason for that that is beyond my control. So I just keep on keepin on and wait for the day when one guy really is different from the rest.
A great response to "why aren't you married" is "why aren't you thin?"
ReplyDeleteOf course I jest, but people generally have more control of their weight than someone might have over their single status. With relationships, it takes two to tango, where most other aspects of your life you can control without the cooperation of someone else. I can change my diet and exercise to control my weight, but no matter how hard I try to find someone to be in a relationship with, if they don't want the same thing there's nothing I can do about it at that point. The question is ultimately flawed, because it hasn't been your choice to not be married, and people asking the question are being rather inconsiderate.
John Bytheway put it well in his book on being single. Getting married is like playing a duet at the piano. The music is beautiful. But it is a duet. No matter how hard you or I practice either one of the two parts, there is just no way to play the duet by yourself. People can tell you all they want that the music is wonderful you really should play it, and you can have the strongest desire in the world to, but at the end of the day someone has to sit down at that piano with you. You can invite people to play, but ultimately it is their choice to play or not. No amount of desire on your part can make it possible to play that duet by yourself. The best you can do is practice so when someone does sit down to play you're ready to do your part.
Julia
ReplyDeleteI hate this question too! Ha. But my answer is usually "because Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be yet!" Yep, that quiets them pretty quick. And yes, I would hurt TIMING any day.......talk about a killer to relationships. Good luck. I just keep telling myself to have hope too and that SOMEDAY someone will like me and be committed to me....SOMEDAY!!!
Julia,
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking a lot about this blog since I read it a few days ago. I know so many of us women (men too) know what you are feeling.
At times it's me asking this question to myself. And the answer that comes when I tune into my relationship with God and spirit is absolute peace and trust in the timing that life isn't necessarily about when I get married, but what am I learning and how am I progressing?
Thanks for the post!
Caroline
I relate also! It's an annoying question... I tend to respond with I'm happy where I am. I feel like as long as I am trying to do everything I should that's all that matters. It's not always peachy but I try to make the best of it.
ReplyDelete