Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Chase

AKA the worst part of dating.
The rule is, people (and I say people because girls are just as guilty of this as guys are) don't want what's handed to them.
Though I hate this I am involved in this. My whole life I have had the problem that I can be totally interested in someone, but as soon as I think that they are interested in me, my interest completely goes away. Maybe I lose respect for them for being interested in me or something ;). Really I don't get it. As soon as they like me, I find all these flaws, that I CANNOT live with.
My friend Spencer once told me, when I was interested in a guy, that he was going to talk to him, and tell him that even if he did like me, not to show me that, then I would like him forever. I laughed about it, but sadly I knew it was true.
The problem with this is, I am chronically interested in guys that are not interested back.
I have had a few times where my interest didn't fade. Even when I thought my dating them was a possibility, I still liked them. So rather than losing them because I can't date them, I become their friend.
I have heard all throughout my life that guys do NOT want to be friends with girls. My life proves that theory wrong.
I am great at being the friend. That is my lot in life. I am always the friend. Guys are comfortable with me. I am a good listener and I am a good confidant. So even if the guy isn't romantically interested in me we are able to maintain a really good friendship. Honestly I am grateful for that. I would WAY rather have a meaningful friendship with these guys, than be all wounded and "heartbroken" which pain would only last a short amount of time, but in the end never see them again.
The problem is, I do become that friend. My romantic interest in them fades to a legitimate friendship and then they come around. Once I am no longer a viable option for them, they miss that attention, and try to get it back. The thing is, it's not real. I have been burned in the past thinking it was. If I do give in and accept what they are feeding me, then that appeal is gone. It's not me, it's the lack of attention that my interest was giving them.
I also have the "friends" where they don't want to date me, but they don't want anyone else to date me either. So nothing romantic happens between us, but they see me talking to another guy, and they step in, and joke with me, and banter with me in a way that shows the potential interest that there is obviously some history there and they back off. GRRR.
Dating can be so frustrating. How am I supposed to know what to do? The problem with being a girl is we just have to wait and see if the guys we like are going to "choose" us. If we go after them, we come across as desperate. If we don't go after them, we run the risk of them never noticing us. How is a girl supposed to get the guy she really wants?
Every time I am interested in a guy, and I am waiting for something to happen, my mom tells me how when she was interested in my dad she used to bake him treats, and make him dinner, and what not, and my dad will follow by saying that is why he chose my mom, among all the other ladies vying for his attention.
It does NOT work that way anymore. Today, that comes across as desperate. I mentioned it to my cousin Brian, and asked him what he would think if (when he was single) a girl were to come to his apartment unannounced with a plate of cookies, and he said, "I'd take the plate, thank her for the cookies and shut the door" Pretty much what I suspected. So I wait. Hope that the guys I like ask me out, and if not, that I will find new ones that will.
Ah dating, it's a wonderful ride.

2 comments:

  1. "He looked deep into my eyes and I felt my temperature rise as he said....let's be friends"

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  2. I'm not a dating expert (obviously, since I'm still single), but I have done a lot of dating over the years, so my opinion might be worth something. Take it how you will.

    One thing I have learned is that there are a lot of missed opportunities because of the games that are played. Person A likes Person B, and B likes A, but neither one know what the other is thinking because they're both too afraid to let on. So nothing happens. Inevitably somebody has to say or do something before anything can happen, right? And unless we intend to always be just friends, forever and ever, somewhere along the line someone has to step up and let the other one know how they feel. I'm not advocating the "oh my gosh, I have been in love with you for forever kind of thing" (chances are if you wait that long the potentialnrelationship is doomed anyway, with too much of a difference in level of feelings that can never be overcome), but it doesnt hurt to drop hints here and there with a look, comment, or something along those lines. I once heard that the vast majority of relationships were actually initiated by the woman, but it wasn't done with words; it is usually a smile, glance, or something else subtle enough that the men might not have even been consciously aware that it was taking place. I believe women have more power in initiating relationships that either they or men realize, just because it is very often nonverbal.

    But back to the original point... If you like a guy, drop hints so he knows and can make the first verbal move. And you can do it without saying a single word, and the message might not even be received consciously. He'll think it was his idea in the first place.

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