Valentine's Day

Ok I'll admit, typically I hate this day. I secretly hope that someone will surprise me with a flower arrangement at work or something, even though I never am dating someone over this holiday. It never happens and I'm always a little sad, but not surprised.
This year is different. I'm moving!!!! I can't tell you what knowing I'm moving has done for my sanity.
Ever since I made the decision to move to Arizona, nothing here in Utah seems to hold much weight anymore. And by nothing I mean dating because really what else does a nearly 29 year old single girl think about? Dating? Doesn't matter I'm moving I don't need to worry about who is and who is not asking me out.
With that being the attitude I was barely thinking about the upcoming holiday and I was plenty happy with that. I felt no need to make plans or keep myself busy.
Last night I was running errands and at each store I went to I'd see men walking around holding flowers, or buying cards and candy. I went to my sister's house and saw her hubby writing in a card for her. I just thought it was the sweetest thing. It made me so happy to see the romance floating around. To know that those men (for some reason I only saw men doing these things) were being so thoughtful.
I wasn't jealous, I wasn't sad, I was just touched.
Yes there was a moment of jealousy today when a bouquet of gorgeous flowers was delivered to a girl I work with, but come on! I am a woman!
I know this attitude is because I'm moving and I'm trying to really take note of it, and will do my best to maintain that attitude after I move. Oh I don't want to go back to crazy Julia, normal, calm Julia is so much nicer (and seemingly more appealing).



This is a picture of my Grandfather and Granny Bingham on their honeymoon in Italy in the 40's. They are now back together in Heaven. I just love this picture and think it is the epitome of romance.

A Genuine Smile

In my ward I am the chorister (once a month).
This last Sunday happened to be my week. I sat up on the stand and watched the wardies file into the chapel.
I found myself looking for the people that were laughing or chatting and smiling. Something struck me. I was watching this one guy, he was talking to another guy in the row in front of him and I don't know what was said but he just smiled really big and laughed a little. It was a real, genuine, couldn't be controlled smile. I just thought, "wow that really lights him up when he smiles." Then I started looking for other people that were smiling. Maybe I never looked at it for that reason, but it was so fascinating to me to look around and see these people smiling and how much it lit them up. They became so much more attractive.
Smiling for pictures is fine, but staged. A real honest to goodness smile can do wonders...
That is all... just something I have thought about...

The Role of Women

Yesterday in Relief Society we had a lesson on the role of a woman. We made a list on the board of characteristics of a righteous woman. The list included some of the following,
Integrity, Faith, Service, Charitible, Strong, Loving, Nurturing, Hard Worker, Diligent, Trustworthy... and the list went on and on.
We then went on to talk about the women in our lives that exemplified the role of a woman.
One thing they said was that it seems that these women seem to shine when things in their own lives are really hard.
I could not help but think about my own mother, and I mentioned her in the lesson.
In the past two years alone my mom has been pulled from one heartbreak to the next. She lost her sister to ovarian cancer in the summer of 2011, her father to alzheimers last year, she has a sister suffering with breast cancer right now, she (and my father) is living with my paternal grandpa right now taking care of him.
Through all of this, she has been a beacon of strength and courage. She has been an example of service like I have never seen.
When her first sister was ill, she spent weeks in Houston taking care of her family. Cooking, cleaning, shopping. All the while being at her sister's aid, and just being a loving sister spending time with her. Keep in mind, my mom lived in Malaysia at the time, so coming to the states was no small venture.
When my dad's mom was taken ill, also with ovarian cancer, it was the same. My mom spent countless hours with her, taking care of whatever needed to be done.
With her sister suffering with breast cancer now, it's the same thing.
Whenever I have been ill, she has been my nurse and best friend. Whenever a baby is born in my family she takes a week off work to go take care of the mother and family, cooking and cleaning and babysitting.
She does all of this out of complete love.
I looked at the list of this righteous woman and just thought. That is my mom. That is MY mom. I don't know that I could ever be half the woman she is. In those hard times when you have EVERY RIGHT to sit in a corner and just cry and be justifiably numb, she picks herself up and takes care of EVERYONE in need. I honestly don't know if I would be the same.
I sat there thinking, almost all the years of my life she has done this with little to no recognition. I didn't recognize at the time how lucky I was to be her daughter, but I recognize it now.
I'll say it again, if I could be half the woman my mother is, I will consider myself good, though I don't think I could ever live up to be just like her, few women could.
Love you Momma!


My mom and dad's engagement picture.

A Change Will Do You Good...

There have been several times in my life where all seems to be going along fine, then all of the sudden I get this feeling of stagnancy.
It becomes all consuming, all I can think about until I make a change big enough to make the feeling go away.
In the past it was changing wards, moving houses even just taking a trip down south to visit my brother. Sometimes I'd go on dating sabbaticals, re-evaluate my priorities, change jobs.
A lot of times I would make music more of a focus, try a new workout, start some sort of lesson.
There has always been something I could do that would take that stuck feeling away and again make me feel like I was progressing.
Well, I'm back in the stagnate saddle.
I went on a cruise last week and it was so much fun. Towards the end of the week I listened to my friends all talk about how they were ready to get home, ready to get back into their routine and I just thought, "I'm not ready. I don't want to go home." I didn't feel like there was really anything I was going home to and that feeling hasn't left.
All I've thought about all week is how to get rid of this feeling, what change I need to make.
Things are in the works right now. Nothing has been decided just yet, but I think a big change is in the wind. Bigger than ever before. I think my life is about to take a big turn!
It's exciting to make big changes, daunting, of course, but exciting. Change can be really good if you go about it the right way.
Here's to mixing it up!

Online Dating... aka ammo for my book on being single.

So, one day I listened to a podcast my friend did on a couple that met online. They were both a little hesitant to admit that is how they met, alas.
This piqued my curioustity, so I went to an online dating sight I had heard some friends talking about. Before I knew it I was putting in my information.
Within the first hour I probably had over 30 "flirts" which I just think is nonsense. Flirts are basically a notification from someone that says, "hi" or "you're cute" or "nice photo". They are preprogrammed messages and you pick from the list and it will send them to the person of your choice.
The flirts I pretty much just passed by. If someone sent me a message I'd look into it a little further. If they sent me an IM, I almost never responded. BUT I learned that if you exit from an IM conversation the other person gets a notification saying, "Julia has left the conversation".
Here is something I know about myself. I can't handle the feeling of rejecting someone. I hate it. I feel so guilty. Being someone who has been rejected plenty in my day, and knowing, full well, the other side of the fence, I hate doing that to someone else. That has always been hard for me in the dating world. Online dating is having to do that like 45 times a day.
I also learned that even if someone did seem interesting and worth getting to know, I would panic at the thought of actually meeting them and would turn down the opportunity.
I knew it wasn't for me. I am too much of an introvert for this kind of attention. If I wasn't interested I wouldn't respond at all, and a lot of times if I didn't respond I would get follow up emails saying something to the effect of, "I guess you're not interested." or "I guess I'm not what you're looking for" and I just felt SO BAD! I know how I am, and I know that if I were to have responded to them I would just be leading them on and I didn't want to drag something out I knew wasn't going to go anywhere.
There were a handful of guys that I enjoyed emailing, I enjoyed getting to know and honestly I would like to know them in person, but I wish they were guys that I would just see around. Just knowing that this is how I met them makes me worry. I worry because there were also guys that emailed me that were STRAIGHT UP CRAZY!!!
I know things have changed in the world of online meeting people, I know a lot of people have really busy schedules and don't have the opportunity to get out there and meet people and for those people I say online is great. It is a great way to meet a lot of people.
I just checked and in that one month I got 245 "flirts" and 285 emails. Honestly if you just want to find someone, if you just want to get out there and meet people and date, this is a good way to go.
That being said, it's not for me. I'm glad I gave it a go for a month, and who knows maybe one day I'll revisit it, but I'm happy to end this little sojourn after my one month trial.

Why Aren't You Married???

I have never been asked this question so much in my life...
I understand that people are trying to be complimentary, but honestly how am I really supposed to answer that?
One guy asked me that recently, he has only really ever seen pictures of me. I'm flattered to know that he finds me attractive, but when he asked me that I just thought, "You have never met me before, you are basing the fact that I should be married strictly on looks." So I said, "I have a really crappy personality."
I usually stick to telling people, "I really think it's because I just haven't found 'the one' yet." but I'm thinking I need to start being more creative.
If people really want to get an answer I should give them one that will make them think, "Oh yeah... makes sense you're single." Or at least make them realize that if I actually could have a concrete answer to that, like there is something I could do to change it that I'd do it.
For now the answer seems to be, the guys that are interested in me I am not interested in. The guys that I am interested in, the guys I really see potential with that I actually date, once I get attached and decide I really want it to go somewhere they inform me that they just got out of a relationship that really hurt them, and they can't progress in a relationship. BUT as really awesome consolation, they really do like me, it's not anything wrong with me, they just can't be in a relationship with me. It's just bad timing... Oh... ok that doesn't hurt at all then, carry on.
I swear if timing was a thing I could physically cause damage to I would.
People, think through the things you ask people. Even if you see someone and think, "I don't understand why anyone would pass up the opportunity to be with them." Understand that they have been through a lot probably and you asking them that really does make them think, "Gosh, IS there something wrong with me? Is there one real reason why I'm not married? Is it really just because I haven't found 'the one' yet? Or am I doing something wrong?"
I stand by my answer of it just hasn't happened for me yet. I've dated some amazing guys. I've been broken hearted and I've broken hearts. I've thought time after time, "This guy could be different..." and for one reason or another they all end. It takes work to stay positive and keep trying. Though I appreciate the compliment of people thinking I should be married by now, I'm not and I believe there is a reason for that that is beyond my control. So I just keep on keepin on and wait for the day when one guy really is different from the rest.

If only they KNEW!!!

OK, so there is this musician who is rather well known in Utah. I am friends with him on facebook, but have never actually met him.
He has an amazing voice and all I think about when I hear him sing is HOW WELL WE'D SOUND TOGETHER...
So I've messaged him a couple of times. I Sent him my website info, gave him my number, what have you, but he's not biting.
It's so frustrating because to him, I'm just some random girl who "says" she can sing, but for all he knows I'm like all those people on American Idol who know they can win, then you hear them sing and think, "WHO is telling them that they should audition?"
I know if he were to give it a shot he would be pleasantly surprised and I really think we could make some SWEET music together, but I don't want to harass him and be more creepy than I've already been.
Oh the frustration!